shards of my heart

Kris and I talk about a lot of things.  I can proudly say we are very transparent in our relationship, and we talk about everything, from past relationships to naughty dreams. :)  He always makes me feel like I can talk to him about whatever I want and need without being afraid of what may happen, or what he may think/say.  It's always been that way, from day 1 with him...  And I love him dearly for it.

But one thing that is really hard to talk about for both of us, is what happened to me.  Not to be overly dramatic, but ever since the birth, it's been so easy for me to dwell on "what if"s.  What if I had died?  Then what would have happened?  It's hard to talk about it, maybe because of how close we really did come to that possibility.  I hate to seem like I'm dwelling on it - but I can't really help it (not yet, anyway)...  A ton of the emotions & thoughts these days are tied to it.  (I can't believe it's only been two months.)

A thought that broke my heart into a million pieces is the fact that if I had died, I was going to leave Alaise.  My little girl who is only a year old.  My little girl whom I love so dearly.  My little girl whose needs I've attended to since the moment she was born.  What is worse, is to think that this little person whom I loved so much every second of her life would not remember me.  In my selfishness, (and unnecessary thoughts) it made me so sad that my baby would not remember the person who loved her most.  (well, aside from her daddy, of course...)  That all the love I had for her wouldn't really exist in her memories.

One of Kris' friends, L, got married several years ago, to a really nice guy who had a little boy.  His wife died of cancer, so I was really glad to hear that he had found L.  I don't know them well, and most of what I hear is from other people (mostly Kris' mom) and Facebook, but one thing I see is that she really accepted him and loves him as her child.  He is 9 years old, so chances are, he really loves L as his mom, as it should be.  But it is also sad to me to think that he most likely doesn't have many memories of his birth mom, who probably loved him to bits.

It's life, I know.  Humans grow and it's natural for all of us not to remember our days as infants.  And of course, if I really had died, I wouldn't care that Alaise wouldn't remember me, cuz, well, I would be dead.  But it's still a heartbreaking thought - that the greatest love I had for someone wouldn't be remembered.