random thoughts

*It's a weird feeling, to be playing computer games with my husband, my brother, and his friends.  I feel very out of place & old.  But still fun.  (And to be hearing Mr. Wickham's voice through Eric's microphone on Skype.)
*I get tired of eating out so much.  Kris' parents eat out a lot, and I think I'd much rather cook for us and eat at the house, than eat out all the time.  I get worried that Alaise is getting more and more used to salty & fried foods.
*I never thought I'd love nursing.  I still don't, really.  But one time during the day, I do love - around midnight, when I dream feed Kai before I go to bed.  I love that he's mostly asleep, curled up, not getting distracted by anything and everything.  I cherish being able to just look at him, and enjoy his small-ness that will not last very much longer.
*Speaking of nursing, I never thought I'd be nursing full time at 5 months.  Praise the Lord.
*Speaking of the Lord, we are going to dedicate our babies at church on Mother's Day.  I'm really excited.  Although it seems to be an "American church" thing, I read a short documentation that our pastor wrote up, and I really like his view on it.  And even if it is just a church-y thing, I'm excited to participate in it.
*I am SO unmotivated to do house work these days.  Being a clean & tidy wife is so unmotivating...  Dishes will be there tomorrow, whether I do them today or not.  Same thing is true with all the chores.  I put it off, and put it off.  How do some women keep their house clean & tidy 24/7?  I just can't seem to.  I'd much rather enjoy my (luke warm at best) coffee and a show on Hulu...  I guess that makes me a lazy wife.
*I love my husband.  This October will be our 10 year anniversary of being together, and he still makes my heart warm & fuzzy.  And he's willing to do painful things for me.  It was heartbreaking to see him in pain.
*I never realized how big a year and a half olds were.  I thought kids Lacey's age were like...  Three.  She's grown so much, it's insane.
*I can't seem to get my Genovese basil to grow very well in a pot.  The sweet basil, on the other hand, seems to be doing better.  My cucumber plant totally wilted and died without sprouting a single new leaf.  The tomatoes seem to be flourishing.  Not too much success with the grass seeds.  Lavender doesn't seem to be doing too well either...  I'm thinking it needs a bigger pot.
*We cleaned up our sun room and WE LOVEEEE IT.  LOVE IT.  LOVE IT.
*I wish we could turn off AF when we're done having kids.  It's very inconvenient.
*Speaking of, I think it is slightly unfair that AF came back so quickly.  So much for breastfeeding delaying fertility.  I'm not so lucky.
*I definitely think the birth certificate for Obama is relevant.  But not to a point of sending out emails about the serial number of it and stuff.  It's just not going to make a difference at this point, one way or another.  I'm tired of hearing about it.  (They talk about it on The View almost every single morning, for Pete's sake.)
*I am super excited about our first Farmer's market trip this Saturday.  Maybe they will have  yummy blueberries.  Alaise LOVES blueberries.
*Milano cookies - I adore you.
*Purchased leggings for the first time.  We'll see how they fare.  On that note, I'm needing new jeans.  SMALLER jeans. :D  My size 8s are too big anymore to look nice.

turning point

As I sit here, my daughter is playing in the room, teasing, and being teased in return.  I love to find new things that make her laugh each day.

I haven't blogged in about two months...  When I was blogging at first, I had SO many things I wanted to put down in words.  I think it was cathartic, with all the different things that were going on.  Putting random thoughts into words helped me get my thoughts in order, and to some extent, give things closure.  Then I got burned out, I think.  Especially since I've been mulling over one issue for weeks now, and I sort of got tired of writing & just thinking in general.

Sometimes, you think about something so much, you just don't want to think about it any longer.  I was so tired of thinking about children  & pregnancies.   I just wanted us to make a decision and be done with it.  I've struggled with making a decision for weeks, because I had a distinct feeling that we weren't done.  Our family wasn't complete.  But for me, (and Kris) the decision to get pregnant again is something I can't consciously make.  Knowing that it might put my life in danger, and leave my wonderful family behind, it's not a decision I can make.  So the only decision I could make was to be done with having babies.  This really hurt me, and I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that we weren't done.

I didn't know how much grieving I would be doing over this.  The dream I had of my children having more than one sibling to depend on later in life, to play with, to BE with.  

But now, I'm finally at peace.  I believe that if we aren't in fact "done", God will do something about it.  Kris said to me, "God's bigger than our decision, and if He wants something, he'll do it regardless of what we decide."  So we'll move on with our lives with that in mind, and I feel so much better, having made a decision.  I still think about it sometimes, but a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.  My stress level has gone down significantly, and I feel like I can move on with life.  I don't have to distract myself all day so I don't sit and think.  I'm free to think again!  :)

And now that I have other things to think about, I think I'll get back to writing down some thoughts.