turning point

As I sit here, my daughter is playing in the room, teasing, and being teased in return.  I love to find new things that make her laugh each day.

I haven't blogged in about two months...  When I was blogging at first, I had SO many things I wanted to put down in words.  I think it was cathartic, with all the different things that were going on.  Putting random thoughts into words helped me get my thoughts in order, and to some extent, give things closure.  Then I got burned out, I think.  Especially since I've been mulling over one issue for weeks now, and I sort of got tired of writing & just thinking in general.

Sometimes, you think about something so much, you just don't want to think about it any longer.  I was so tired of thinking about children  & pregnancies.   I just wanted us to make a decision and be done with it.  I've struggled with making a decision for weeks, because I had a distinct feeling that we weren't done.  Our family wasn't complete.  But for me, (and Kris) the decision to get pregnant again is something I can't consciously make.  Knowing that it might put my life in danger, and leave my wonderful family behind, it's not a decision I can make.  So the only decision I could make was to be done with having babies.  This really hurt me, and I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that we weren't done.

I didn't know how much grieving I would be doing over this.  The dream I had of my children having more than one sibling to depend on later in life, to play with, to BE with.  

But now, I'm finally at peace.  I believe that if we aren't in fact "done", God will do something about it.  Kris said to me, "God's bigger than our decision, and if He wants something, he'll do it regardless of what we decide."  So we'll move on with our lives with that in mind, and I feel so much better, having made a decision.  I still think about it sometimes, but a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.  My stress level has gone down significantly, and I feel like I can move on with life.  I don't have to distract myself all day so I don't sit and think.  I'm free to think again!  :)

And now that I have other things to think about, I think I'll get back to writing down some thoughts.