tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77571763156083800062024-02-07T17:25:56.353-08:00Kris & Jujourney of our family's love... white + brown = pink!ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-28883938508743457962011-04-28T21:39:00.000-07:002011-04-28T21:39:52.939-07:00random thoughts*It's a weird feeling, to be playing computer games with my husband, my brother, and his friends. I feel very out of place & old. But still fun. (And to be hearing Mr. Wickham's voice through Eric's microphone on Skype.)<br />
*I get tired of eating out so much. Kris' parents eat out a lot, and I think I'd much rather cook for us and eat at the house, than eat out all the time. I get worried that Alaise is getting more and more used to salty & fried foods.<br />
*I never thought I'd love nursing. I still don't, really. But one time during the day, I do love - around midnight, when I dream feed Kai before I go to bed. I love that he's mostly asleep, curled up, not getting distracted by anything and everything. I cherish being able to just look at him, and enjoy his small-ness that will not last very much longer.<br />
*Speaking of nursing, I never thought I'd be nursing full time at 5 months. Praise the Lord.<br />
*Speaking of the Lord, we are going to dedicate our babies at church on Mother's Day. I'm really excited. Although it seems to be an "American church" thing, I read a short documentation that our pastor wrote up, and I really like his view on it. And even if it is just a church-y thing, I'm excited to participate in it.<br />
*I am SO unmotivated to do house work these days. Being a clean & tidy wife is so unmotivating... Dishes will be there tomorrow, whether I do them today or not. Same thing is true with all the chores. I put it off, and put it off. How do some women keep their house clean & tidy 24/7? I just can't seem to. I'd much rather enjoy my (luke warm at best) coffee and a show on Hulu... I guess that makes me a lazy wife.<br />
*I love my husband. This October will be our 10 year anniversary of being together, and he still makes my heart warm & fuzzy. And he's willing to do painful things for me. It was heartbreaking to see him in pain.<br />
*I never realized how big a year and a half olds were. I thought kids Lacey's age were like... Three. She's grown so much, it's insane.<br />
*I can't seem to get my Genovese basil to grow very well in a pot. The sweet basil, on the other hand, seems to be doing better. My cucumber plant totally wilted and died without sprouting a single new leaf. The tomatoes seem to be flourishing. Not too much success with the grass seeds. Lavender doesn't seem to be doing too well either... I'm thinking it needs a bigger pot.<br />
*We cleaned up our sun room and WE LOVEEEE IT. LOVE IT. LOVE IT.<br />
*I wish we could turn off AF when we're done having kids. It's very inconvenient.<br />
*Speaking of, I think it is slightly unfair that AF came back so quickly. So much for breastfeeding delaying fertility. I'm not so lucky.<br />
*I definitely think the birth certificate for Obama is relevant. But not to a point of sending out emails about the serial number of it and stuff. It's just not going to make a difference at this point, one way or another. I'm tired of hearing about it. (They talk about it on The View almost every single morning, for Pete's sake.)<br />
*I am super excited about our first Farmer's market trip this Saturday. Maybe they will have yummy blueberries. Alaise LOVES blueberries.<br />
*Milano cookies - I adore you.<br />
*Purchased leggings for the first time. We'll see how they fare. On that note, I'm needing new jeans. SMALLER jeans. :D My size 8s are too big anymore to look nice.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-75656855616556494342011-04-21T09:09:00.000-07:002011-04-21T09:09:05.772-07:00turning pointAs I sit here, my daughter is playing in the room, teasing, and being teased in return. I love to find new things that make her laugh each day.<br />
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I haven't blogged in about two months... When I was blogging at first, I had SO many things I wanted to put down in words. I think it was cathartic, with all the different things that were going on. Putting random thoughts into words helped me get my thoughts in order, and to some extent, give things closure. Then I got burned out, I think. Especially since I've been mulling over one issue for weeks now, and I sort of got tired of writing & just thinking in general.<br />
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Sometimes, you think about something so much, you just don't want to think about it any longer. I was so tired of thinking about children & pregnancies. I just wanted us to make a decision and be done with it. I've struggled with making a decision for weeks, because I had a distinct feeling that we weren't done. Our family wasn't complete. But for me, (and Kris) the decision to get pregnant again is something I can't consciously make. Knowing that it might put my life in danger, and leave my wonderful family behind, it's not a decision I can make. So the only decision I could make was to be done with having babies. This really hurt me, and I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that we weren't done.<br />
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I didn't know how much grieving I would be doing over this. The dream I had of my children having more than one sibling to depend on later in life, to play with, to BE with. <br />
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But now, I'm finally at peace. I believe that if we aren't in fact "done", God will do something about it. Kris said to me, "God's bigger than our decision, and if He wants something, he'll do it regardless of what we decide." So we'll move on with our lives with that in mind, and I feel so much better, having made a decision. I still think about it sometimes, but a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. My stress level has gone down significantly, and I feel like I can move on with life. I don't have to distract myself all day so I don't sit and think. I'm free to think again! :)<br />
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And now that I have other things to think about, I think I'll get back to writing down some thoughts.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-89730979754642376682011-02-18T20:44:00.000-08:002011-02-18T20:44:44.944-08:00when life doesn't go your wayToday someone asked me, "How are you managing your two kids? Are you thinking of a third? Or is it too early?" It was a little awkward, as I had to tell her, "Oh, we can't have any more. We've been recommended by my OB not to have any more kids." And then had to explain briefly <a href="http://krisandju.blogspot.com/2010/11/baby-life-death-love.html">what had happened</a>.<br />
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Kris and I had just had a discussion yesterday about this very matter. The hematologist that I went to see on Wednesday said that if we wanted more kids, we should see a high risk OB... Someone who deals with this kind of stuff on a regular basis, to see if they would have an idea of what might have happened to me, and maybe would know how to manage it. Kris is definitely against having another kiddo. The thought of losing me is terribly traumatic for him. Me? Well. I think I'm used to the idea of being done. But I look at our two kids, and sometimes ache for one more. I always wanted "at least three, maybe four". The thought of not having a newborn babe of mine to hold again is... Difficult.<br />
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At the same time, I'm not sure if I'm willing to put myself at risk again to have another baby. I have a husband & two babies whom I absolutely love and adore. They need me. It just doesn't make sense to put all that at risk, just to have another. What would be the point if I died? I feel like even if I go see a high risk OB, the best they could do would be to try to control the bleeding, not prevent it. (as I'm pretty sure it will happen again if I deliver a baby.) What if I go into DIC again? There is just no telling. Logically, I know all of this. But it is still so hard for me to say, "Okay, I'm done. Go get snipped." to my husband.<br />
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Since we've shared our story with people, I've had several people tell me (including my mother-in-law) that I can always adopt if I really want more children. To be brutally honest, this is SO not helpful... Especially when we're still in pain & grieving. The point of it isn't that I want just any baby. The point of it is that I can't have OUR baby that I want. Not to say that once I've healed a bit more, I won't consider adoption. But this probably isn't something you should say to someone who just found out they can't have any more kids. It reminds me of a blog that I read about infertility, and she lists this as something that you should not say to someone who is going through infertility. (if interested, read about it <a href="http://jennandtonica.com/ifcomm-101/">HERE</a>.)<br />
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I didn't realize how much grieving I would need to do about this issue. I know I have a boy and a girl, and I got "lucky". I know I have two beautiful kids. But I still grieve for another baby that I wanted. I grieve for my children, who won't have another sibling to play & fight & grow up with. I grieve that I won't have a bigger family when we get older. It hurts my heart to watch grandma & grandpa Vanderwater beam at their 4 children and all the grandkids, because I know my clan will be much smaller.<br />
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But sometimes, when life doesn't go your way, you take what you got and move on. I am incredibly blessed to have had two beautiful & amazing babies. I know there are people who can't. (I was afraid of this at one point in my life too - it took us a long time to get pregnant the first time...) I have to believe that God has his hands on our lives, and have faith that what we have is for the best. Just as He knew that Kris was the person for me and led us together, He brought Alaise and Kai to us. And the four of us will make do for now.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-61756710202497757172011-02-14T21:14:00.000-08:002011-02-14T21:14:08.501-08:00Valentine's DaySo I think that America revolves around holidays and corresponding sales. Thanksgiving sale! Then Christmas. New Years. Martin Luther King Day. Valentine's Day. Easter. Memorial Day. Fourth of July. Labor Day. Halloween. Then back again to Thanksgiving. (With Columbus Day and President Day thrown in there somewhere, along with a couple more obscure holidays.) Each major holiday comes with its own colored chocolates & candies, and all the stores are decorated in corresponding colors. Car dealerships always seem to have ___ Day sale! Come now! slogan on TV. A country that revolves around consumerism thrives on special days.<br />
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Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day is just one of those days. A day for people to get & sell more stuff. When I was dating Kris, I especially felt this way. Flowers & gifts & chocolate just seemed dumb. Sure, special something was nice and probably expected, but it just seemed like an excuse for money to go around.<br />
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Now, I've been married almost 7 years. We have two kids, and my feeling towards Valentine's Day has changed a little bit. Sure, I still think that it's a day for people to spend & make money on stuff. But when life gets busy with two kids and chores and work, a day to remember to do something special for each other isn't so bad. A day to look forward to, doing a little on-line shopping for someone special to me. A day to set aside for each other, and hear your husband say, "Don't put the roast on - I made a reservation." To feel special in the midst of a busy and chaotic life. To a couple with a baby & a toddler, Valentine's Day is a reason to make the day extra special for each other.<br />
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So thanks, babe, for making today extra special for me. I love your gifts & thoughts. And the sweet words & champagne. Thanks for making me feel "one and only". I love you.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-49616740621265471052011-02-10T20:51:00.000-08:002011-02-10T20:51:39.133-08:00garden spellsThere are people who can't read fiction, because it's not real and they don't have time for what's not real. (For example, my mother-in-law. She only reads non-fiction books & only watches the news.) There are people who can't read non-fiction, because it's too real and there's enough reality during the day. (And I'm sure there are some in the middle ground... maybe?) I'm one of the latter, as is my husband. We love fiction & fantasy. Besides some self-help books & "religious" (don't know what else to call them) books, most of what we own is fiction. (Most of Kris' books happen in the Star Wars universe... And I'm pretty sure that's fictional.)<br />
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My favorite stories belong in the fantasy world. Magic, dragons, elves and such. (and yes, occasionally a ring that rules them all.) I hope to write about some of my favorite worlds one of these days. Anyway.<br />
<br />
I'm excited about a new book coming out by <a href="http://www.sarahaddisonallen.com/">Sarah Addison Allen</a>... The first book by her I read was <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Garden-Spells-Bantam-Discovery-Addison/dp/0553590324/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1297398709&sr=1-4">Garden Spells</a> - if you like light/easy read, with a little bit of cooking & magic & romance thrown in, you might really like it! (I'm talking about you, Dana.) I've read it several times, and I still love it. I've read her other books as well - <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Sugar-Queen-Random-Readers-Circle/dp/0553384848/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1297398709&sr=1-5">The Sugar Queen</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Girl-Who-Chased-Moon-Novel/dp/0553385593/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1297398778&sr=1-1">The Girl Who Chased the Moon</a>. I didn't like the other two books as much as the first one though. Her books have a hint of southern charm in them, along with cooking & baking. It's almost as though you can smell powdered sugar and chocolate while reading them. :)<br />
<br />
Something about the interaction of the sisters in the book is very touching to me. One is very reserved and "odd" by the world's standards, and the other is very outgoing and worldly. They grow up in a small town where everybody knows everything about everyone, and reading their reactions to such life reminds me of the missionary community that I grew up in. Teenagers react to such an environment very differently... They may even dislike others who are different - I felt like people who made different choices were weird, or just plain irresponsible. Sometimes, I felt like their grass was a whole bunch greener. But in the end... We're family. Even though that seems so cliche - "brothers and sisters in Christ" - like it or not, it's true. That's hard to remember for me, and yet, the reconciliation that takes place in the book reminds me that in the end, family matters.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-15641867217234608332011-02-08T22:11:00.000-08:002011-02-08T22:11:22.207-08:00good day, bad dayI'd love to get into a routine. It seems like having a routine would make every day a little bit smoother, and life would be a bit easier. For example:<br />
<br />
<b>**Ideal Start of a Day:</b><br />
Not so long ago, I woke up early at 7:30am with Kris' alarm. I felt refreshed, and the kids weren't up yet, so I went and got myself a cup of hot coffee, and sat down and started watching The Bachelor episode I had missed the day before. (I know, a frivolous way to spend a free morning, but really, there's nothing like a good cat fight and drama to indulge in sometimes.) I was more than half way through the episode and was done with the coffee (while it was still hot! ZOMG!) before Alaise started stirring. It was an awesome way to start a morning, just a bit of time to myself.<br />
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However, it's rare that I wake up at 7:30am refreshed, especially since Kai almost always wakes up between around 7:00am to nurse. I usually crawl back into bed after he's done and try to doze another hour or so, if I'm lucky. So I would like to compromise with a good day. For example:<br />
<br />
<b>**Good Day:</b><br />
Yesterday was the first day I felt good since we caught the stomach bug. I woke up feeling much better, and Alaise and I had breakfast. (It's helpful for Kai to sleep a bit longer, it gives me time to change & feed Lacey.) Kai woke up about 30 minutes after that. They were both in a really good mood - so I started on some chores that was backed up from being sick. They both went down for a nap at the same time (which happens when Lacey wakes up earlier), and slept for 2 hours at the same time. (YESSS.)<br />
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After lunch, I had enough energy, so I cleaned the kitchen & Kai sat in the car seat watching me & Alaise followed me around, playing with kitchen utensils in the kitchen. Around 3:30pm, I gave Kai a bath (I usually give kiddos baths at night, but he stunk like puke all morning and I couldn't stand it any longer.) and put both of them to nap. Again, (!) they napped together, although Kai slept a lot longer.<br />
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Dinner & Bedtime and then mommy & daddy time. A good day.<br />
<br />
Now, I thought that once I had two kids, my days would look pretty similar. Not so. For example:<br />
<br />
<b>**Bad Day:</b><br />
Today, I woke up really really tired, even though I got out of bed at 9:30am. I couldn't fall asleep till 1:30am for some reason... Then Alaise was up at 4am and would not go back to sleep for an hour. And as I crawled back into bed at 5am, Kai woke up hungry. He again woke up around 7:30am, and both of the woke up at 9:30am. I could hardly crawl out of bed, as I felt like I was up all night long. Since they Lacey woke up so late, she did not want her morning nap when I laid her down. Kai napped only an hour at a time. (mommy's plan to nap while they napped = epic fail) <br />
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Lacey was fussy all through lunch because she was tired, and as she started her nap, Kai woke up from his. Sometimes, he goes to nap again after about an hour of being awake, so I laid him down again, thinking that Lacey would stay asleep for about an hour since she didn't take her morning nap. Mommy lays down to nap, and 10 minutes later, she's awake.<br />
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Seriously frustrating day, when the bad night's sleep starts off the day & their naps alternate. I have no energy to get anything done, and when I do have some time, I don't want to clean the house - all I want to do is sit and browse the web. And inevitably, on days like this, Kai only naps for an hour at a time, and both kids are very whiny all day long, and my patience runs very thin.<br />
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One of the problems with setting a routine for me is that I have SUCH a hard time going to bed early. After getting the kids to sleep between 8:30-9:00pm, all I want to do is spend time with Kris, doing adult activities. (did that sound naughty?) Watching our missed shows, playing games (gotta keep those StarCraft senses sharp), having adult conversations without kiddos. The last thing I want to do is to cut this time short and go to bed. It doesn't help that both Kris and I are night people - we have so much more energy at nights.<br />
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I tend to think that if I go to bed early, it will help me wake up early, allowing me an ideal start to the day, and get the kids up at the same time every morning, and set a good routine. But it's so hard to do. And on days like today, (a bad day) it's so tempting to be in bed by 10... (Oh wait. It's past midnight and I'm still up writing this blog. Sigh. Another failed attempt.) ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-62709722250741412262011-02-07T14:04:00.000-08:002011-02-07T14:04:09.167-08:00random thoughtsSome random thoughts of the day:<br />
<ul><li>Watching my daughter toddle into my arms with her arms spread wide as I squat down. Priceless. Seriously.</li>
<li>Feeling my daughter's arms wrap around me as I pick her up from the above pricelessness.</li>
<li>After being sick for nearly 4 days, the house is a completely and utter WRECK.</li>
<li>It seems like as I try to tidy up the house, I look back, and whatever I tidied up gets untidy by Alaise who is following me around. (Why do I bother?)</li>
<li>Kai's head is full of round curls and it takes almost as much shampoo as what I'd use to wash.</li>
<li>My son's smiles and occasional laughs make my heart want to explode with happiness.</li>
<li>Being bathed in warm water and then getting a full body massage with nice smelling baby oil must be hard work, as Kai started fussing towards the end of it. Obviously.</li>
<li>Listening to my husband sing (rather loudly) while focused on his work makes me smile.</li>
<li>Where does all this (enormous amount of) dust come from anyway???</li>
<li>And OMG, I got a shower in today, and even washed my hair.</li>
<li>I hope I won't have laundry full of poop & puke contaminated clothing for some time to come...</li>
</ul>Now I'm going to finish my cup of coffee. I'd really hate to nuke it AGAIN.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-7604014036665325082011-02-01T10:59:00.000-08:002011-02-02T13:19:07.615-08:00my leg-clingerSo, I blogged about my ever so independent daughter <a href="http://krisandju.blogspot.com/2010/11/blog-post.html">here</a>. It was my mom's opinion that once we had a little baby around, she would be more possessive of me, because of jealousy. One of my friends who studied psychology extensively said that separation anxiety was tied to some extent to walking/mobility. It was nature's (?) way of keeping the baby who is no mobile close to the mom. Her theory was that once Alaise started walking, she would also start displaying more attachment. (I was very skeptical of both opinions at the time.)<br />
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Well, now we have a leg-clinger in the house. :D Alaise has been hanging out with me more and more lately - when I'm in the kitchen working, she will hang out in the kitchen and play with measuring cups & spoons I give her. When I go into the bedroom, she stands next to the barrier we have set up and beats on it, waiting for me. But this past weekend while we were in Dallas, she started clinging to our legs. I don't know if she saw Olivia (Kris' uncle's daughter who is about 4 months older than Alaise) do it, but she especially started clinging to Kris' legs, not letting go. SERIOUSLY CUTE. And now we're home, she's been doing it to me to. I LOVE IT. She'll "run" (which is cute in itself, as she still doesn't have perfect balance, and she "runs" like a penguin) to me into the kitchen or anywhere she spots me, and will wrap her arms around my legs, and not let go. It absolutely melts my heart!<br />
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I feel all that I wanted to feel months ago. I feel needed. I feel like I'm special to my little one whom I love. I feel like she depends on me. I feel LOVED. I never thought how special & rewarding it would be to have my own little leg-clinger.<br />
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P.S. Contrary to my mother's concerns, I haven't seen jealousy toward baby Kai. Lacey pats his head & gives him kisses, pats his back when I burp him, wipes his mouth with his bib or a burp cloth, and wants to give him the paci when he's crying. She does make him cry at times - but it's because she'll "give" (aka. throw) him books & toys. :)ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-14848832615782665872011-01-31T21:07:00.000-08:002011-01-31T21:07:51.355-08:00the more the merrier...The more comments on a giveaway the merrier, isn't it? Actually, probably not, as it decreases your chances of winning. :) I really want another baby carrier, but I just don't want to spend the money, and I saw this blog was giving away a carrier that seems awesome, so I'm blogging about it.<br />
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<a href="http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2011/01/a-versatile-baby-carrier-chai-wrap-tai-giveaway.html/comment-page-13#comment-55088">http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2011/01/a-versatile-baby-carrier-chai-wrap-tai-giveaway.html/comment-page-13#comment-55088</a>ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-49367814352101446032011-01-31T20:45:00.000-08:002011-01-31T20:45:40.206-08:00breastfeedingI admit, I hated breastfeeding. (There is almost nothing else that makes me feel like a bad mother than saying that.) <br />
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With Alaise, breastfeeding was so full of frustration. My milk came in late, <a href="http://krisandju.e-webindustries.com/blog/day-my-heart-doubled">partially due to all the blood loss</a>. The lactation consultant at the hospital suggest me try nursing her anyway, but if I needed to supplement with formula, <a href="http://pediatrics.about.com/library/breastfeeding/blbreastfeedingf.htm">to use a small tube that threaded into her mouth, so she would encourage milk supply to increase as she drank formula.</a> I HATED EVERY FEEDING TIME. I would cry, and I was frustrated beyond reason. I hated threading that stupid tube and poking my breast & her mouth. It worked better with Kris' help, but he wasn't there at every feeding. Sometimes it would get lose and loose suction, and I would have to thread it all over again. (And I hated cleaning the dumb things... syringe & tube & bottle.) I almost switched over to formula on a daily basis. Also, being afraid of nipple confusion, when I was fed up, we did <a href="http://pediatrics.about.com/library/breastfeeding/blbreastfeedingi.htm">finger feeding</a>. My supply did come in finally, but it was enough only for a month or so. (And in March, I got pregnant with Kai, and my supply started going down.) Here are some things I read/heard other women say and how I felt about it:<br />
<ul><li>"I love the bonding time." - Breastfeeding was the worst bonding time, as I was at my worst.</li>
<li>"It's intimate and rewarding." - I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't exclusively breastfeed. It was such a huge guilt trap.</li>
<li>"My supply is tanking - I can only pump 8oz!" - I want to reach in and throttle you! Or take your boobs! (I only ever pumped 1-1.5oz at a time. Ever.)</li>
<li>"Anyone can breastfeed!" - NOT TRUE. I pumped, pumped, pumped, took Fenugreek until my dirty laundry all smelled like maple syrup. I did not try Reglan, because I was afraid of post partum depression. But it is not true that everyone can breastfeed. Certainly, breast milk is the most beneficial to our babies, but sometimes, it is not what is best for the mother and the family as a whole.</li>
<li>"Don't nurse from one breast for over 30 minutes." - Really? Cuz, I nurse less than 5 minutes and there's nothing left. </li>
<li>"My toddler is 3 and still breastfeeding. I'm waiting till he weans on his own. It is unnatural to force him to wean." - Hmm. I have mixed feelings about this one - obviously, everyone makes their own decisions. But I see some kids who nurse until they are 5-6 in some cases... I don't see why weaning nursing is unnatural. Most of us try to wean babies off pacifiers, stop them when they suck on their thumbs, and toilet train them, instead of saying "They'll wean/potty when they're ready." and not do anything about it. To me it's the same with nursing - kids may take much much longer if left to their own timing... And I wonder how much of it is for the kids & for the mom. Not that it is in every case, but I can see how nursing longer makes moms feel needed. Because the children depend on them more for comfort & security. There is a difference between being there for the kids and needing their dependence for our own insecurity.</li>
</ul>It was SUCH a relief when I finally had to switch Alaise over to formula. My supply was so low that there wasn't even a point in pumping anymore. For a while, I would pump during the day and give her what I had mixed in with her night bottle. But by the time she was about six months old, she was on formula full time. And I must admit, I was a much happier mom. Aside from the guilt of "I'm feeding my kid formula," most of my frustrations, stress, and burden had gone away. (Although, the guilt is no small matter.) Oh, and it's freakin' expensive.<br />
<br />
I was really looking forward to seeing if my milk would come in and my supply would be good enough to nurse our second, as I expected the delivery to go smoothly. No dice - <a href="http://krisandju.blogspot.com/2010/11/baby-life-death-love.html">same thing happened, </a>and I lost even more blood this time around. I was discouraged, and this time, I was determined not to be stressed. So I just fed Kai formula. From a regular bottle & nipple. I didn't mess with tubes or fingers. I just used bottles. AND IT WAS SO NICE. I didn't care about nipple confusion or milk supply. I did what was easy. And feedings were so much more enjoyable, and as a result, I was happier & did see them as bonding time. I nursed & pumped as well, (although there wasn't anything to pump, really) but I took it easy.<br />
<br />
Milk did come in eventually. (It took longer than normal, I think.) When it did, I again, took it easy, and eventually weaned off formula. I've been exclusively breastfeeding him for around 6 weeks now, although I nurse from both breasts every time, and it seems barely enough. But we're okay for now. I started taking <a href="http://www.nbci.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=21:herbal-remedies-for-milk-supply&catid=5:information&Itemid=17">Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle together</a>, but I'm not sure if it's doing anything. Oh well. I'll just do my best and do what I can.<br />
<br />
Some awesome "ups" to breastfeeding:<br />
<ul><li>Feeding at night is fantastic! I can just nurse him next to his crib, put him back down when we're done, and go back to bed. No need to mess with going to the kitchen & making up formula.</li>
<li>No washing bottles! Alaise is on sippy cup for her milk, so I don't have to wash any bottles. YESSS. I hate washing bottles.</li>
<li>Road trips are much easier. I just nurse in the car while we stop for gas/restroom. No need to pack formula, bottles, clean water, etc., and then deal with dirty bottles.</li>
<li>As much as I don't want to, (because I don't think it's a good indicator) I feel like a better mom. I feel good about being able to provide for him.</li>
<li>It's definitely cheaper. Definitely.</li>
</ul>Oddly enough, I still don't enjoy breastfeeding. It's still stressful, as I always feel like there's not quite enough, and I don't have any extra frozen. But it's better, much better than the first time around. I hope I can continue on. However, if the time comes when it isn't enough and I've done what I can, I think I will hesitate a lot less before supplementing with formula. And feel good about it.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-28095961941266792642011-01-21T09:23:00.000-08:002011-01-21T09:23:20.206-08:00shards of my heartKris and I talk about a lot of things. I can proudly say we are very transparent in our relationship, and we talk about everything, from past relationships to naughty dreams. :) He always makes me feel like I can talk to him about whatever I want and need without being afraid of what may happen, or what he may think/say. It's always been that way, from day 1 with him... And I love him dearly for it.<br />
<br />
But one thing that is really hard to talk about for both of us, is what happened to me. Not to be overly dramatic, but ever since the birth, it's been so easy for me to dwell on "what if"s. What if I had died? Then what would have happened? It's hard to talk about it, maybe because of how close we really did come to that possibility. I hate to seem like I'm dwelling on it - but I can't really help it (not yet, anyway)... A ton of the emotions & thoughts these days are tied to it. (I can't believe it's only been two months.)<br />
<br />
A thought that broke my heart into a million pieces is the fact that if I had died, I was going to leave Alaise. My little girl who is only a year old. My little girl whom I love so dearly. My little girl whose needs I've attended to since the moment she was born. What is worse, is to think that this little person whom I loved so much every second of her life would not remember me. In my selfishness, (and unnecessary thoughts) it made me so sad that my baby would not remember the person who loved her most. (well, aside from her daddy, of course...) That all the love I had for her wouldn't really exist in her memories.<br />
<br />
One of Kris' friends, L, got married several years ago, to a really nice guy who had a little boy. His wife died of cancer, so I was really glad to hear that he had found L. I don't know them well, and most of what I hear is from other people (mostly Kris' mom) and Facebook, but one thing I see is that she really accepted him and loves him as her child. He is 9 years old, so chances are, he really loves L as his mom, as it should be. But it is also sad to me to think that he most likely doesn't have many memories of his birth mom, who probably loved him to bits.<br />
<br />
It's life, I know. Humans grow and it's natural for all of us not to remember our days as infants. And of course, if I really had died, I wouldn't care that Alaise wouldn't remember me, cuz, well, I would be dead. But it's still a heartbreaking thought - that the greatest love I had for someone wouldn't be remembered.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-62509296529226772102011-01-15T19:39:00.000-08:002011-01-15T19:39:48.827-08:00and then there were four...My brother left today for school once again. This means that for the first time since Kai was born, we are alone, just the four of us. The house seems even emptier than before, but I'm really really glad that Seung Ri could be here for a while after my parents left to soften the blow. I love having him here - it gives me security, just having family around. And with all the help he's been around the house, with the babies & chores, he's been invaluable. And we get to game together. :) (Thanks, bro!) <br />
<br />
Anyway. So now, it's just us. We all went to the mall today and as we were walking in the parking lot, Kris mused, "How did this happen?" It's bizarre to think that our family has grown to four people. Things are crazy around the house, especially when both kiddos start crying at the same time - but it's amazing to know that I have a family of my own. A family that will be with me, family that I (Lord willing) don't have to say goodbye to for a long time. Kids who will call me mom. We are Vanderwater, party of four.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-71580613712335400422011-01-11T22:18:00.000-08:002011-01-11T22:18:08.988-08:00normal!Apparently my blood-stuff levels are all back to normal. My OB thinks that's pretty shocking, I think she expected me to take longer to "heal". Frankly, so did I... I thought maybe my RBC count would be lower than normal, and I'd have to take more iron. But maybe not.<br />
<br />
I will be making an appointment with the hematologist soon. Maybe he'll have some answers to my abnormalities. Dr. Eisenhauer (the aforementioned OB) told me last Friday, on my last post partum checkup, that she hasn't really even heard of what I went through the first time, let alone see/experience it twice. Apparently post partum hemorrhage, which I thought was what I went through, generally happens right after you deliver the baby. In my case, both times, I delivered, was fine, and 2-3 hours later, bleed out uncontrollably. Her best guess is that the problem is with some kind of later-working clot factors.<br />
<br />
She also offered grief counseling... She thought she should have mentioned it earlier, but we just seemed "strong and put-together", that she didn't think of it sooner. I don't feel strong and put-together sometimes... And Kris and I still get pretty emotional about it. Dr. E said that it was a very traumatic experience for her as well, and that it would be more so for me. I don't know... When do you know you need grief counseling? We've definitely grieved, especially over the fact that we most likely won't have any more babies. We've cried over what happened & what may have happened. Maybe the fact that I'm not sure about it means I need counseling? I don't know.<br />
<br />
Anyway. The blood test results at least make me feel like a normal person once again.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-51737241036274561952011-01-11T09:06:00.000-08:002011-01-11T09:06:49.186-08:00Kai babyIt seems like I haven't blogged once about our little boy, Kai. I feel terrible about being a mom second time around - things are not less special, per se, but less note-worthy, as I've seen it/done it before. Besides, with a toddler walking around, doing new and cute things all day long, it's hard to mention the little one who sleeps and eats most of the day. :)<br />
<br />
But he's been a pretty good baby so far. He definitely does seem to have a different personality than Alaise. At first, I was concerned, because the nurses and the pediatrician at the hospital told us that he had a temper and was very fussy. They said he may be lactose intolerant, and gave him soy formula while we were there. So we came home, and for a couple of days, practically all he did was sleep. (What do you mean, he's fussy?) Then the fussiness came. I really think something was bothering him, maybe it was the formula, maybe it was something else. But even after he ate, he was fussy, and he never seemed happy.<br />
<br />
About a week afterward, though, he settled down. Whatever was bothering him seemed to have disappeared, or at least lessened. He was a lot less alert than Alaise was at that age - Alaise had her eyes wide open from the moment she was born, and she was very awake and alert even as a newborn. He kept his eyes closed a lot, and slept a lot more. He seems to be quieter and less social... But also has a sharper temper, maybe. When Alaise was hungry, especially in the middle of the night, she would whine and fuss for a while before building up to a cry... Kai stirs, waking up, and fusses for about (literally) two seconds before he is all out bawling. I have to react faster, in order to keep the rest of the house sleeping. :)<br />
<br />
He seems to like baths, just like his sister did. He's gotten SO cute these days, as his features are getting more defined, his eyes bigger, and his skin is clearing up a bit. He has a ton of hair, and I love to spike it up after washing his hair, because it dries that way. (Yes, I actually have to wash his hair. With lots of soap.) He's a big baby, but as I noted just yesterday, he's not a fat baby. He can already manage to wear some 6-9 month clothing, but he's not really fat, as I've seen some babies. He doesn't have fat rolls anywhere, really, besides his chubby cheeks and chin. He's just... big. He's also had pretty good neck control from the day he was born.<br />
<br />
He naps pretty well, although he fusses some when he's tired. But he falls asleep in his crib with the paci well, and he seems to like the Boppy swing, that Alaise didn't really get to use much. (She uses it plenty now - I'm afraid it will break soon, as she loves to plop down in it. I don't think it's meant for a 21 lb toddler.) He is adamant about when he wants the paci and when he doesn't - when he doesn't, he will gag on it, and get very angry! I don't remember Alaise being that way with the paci. He nurses well, and breastfeeding has been SO much better than last time, although I think my milk supply just isn't enough. <sigh><br />
<br />
I can usually manage to nap them at the same time in the morning & afternoon, which gives all of us an hour to an hour and a half of quiet time around the house. (These times are TREASURED, I tell you!) And I start their bath/bedtime routine around 7:30-8:00, and can usually have them both sleeping by 8:30-9:00. Not bad, huh?<br />
<br />
Anyway. I've been cherishing his baby-ness, as I think he'll be the last baby of mine that I get to hold. He's started to smile, which is adorable... I find myself cooing at him and looking into his eyes. I love to kiss and rub his wonderfully yummy cheeks, and love to run my fingers through his hair. I can't wait to see him grow up!ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-64409643323146778152011-01-09T20:58:00.000-08:002011-01-09T20:58:08.028-08:00bye bye bottleSo we started weaning Alaise off of her bottles today. Pediatrician told me last Friday (along with 4 shots and a finger prick... "Boo", in Kris' words) that I need to start doing that, since they get very resistant to weaning after 15 months. I haven't been too worried about the bottles & pacis till now, as she drinks her water from a straw sippy cups already, and she only uses her paci in her crib when she sleeps. She's been taking her whole milk in her bottles still.<br />
<br />
I started giving her her milk in her straw cup today... She makes weird face at it once she tastes it - like "Mm, what happened? This isn't water..." And she didn't drink as much milk as she would normally. Tonight she was very fussy going down, which is very unusual, and I wondered if it's because she didn't get her bottle.<br />
<br />
I think I am more sad about this weaning. I feel like this is the last of her babyhood... Like once she doesn't take her bottles anymore, she really isn't my little baby anymore. She'll officially be a toddler. It's really really sad. I didn't feel this way when I quit breastfeeding, maybe because I hated breastfeeding so much. But the bottles... They allow me to cuddle with my girl, (who never ever wants to cuddle) even just for a little, while she contently sucks on the them. They allow her to be my baby. Sippy cups just aren't the same.<br />
<br />
But I guess motherhood is about letting go sometimes. It's hard, but I've gotta learn it somehow...ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-92121289083440198572011-01-06T20:22:00.000-08:002011-01-06T20:25:09.779-08:00hubbyExperiencing what I've experienced in the last couple of months, I feel like I need to give my husband some spotlight. He deserves a little (actually, a big) pat on his back...<br />
<br />
Once some years ago, I had to watch my dad almost die. It was when we were visiting Indonesia, and the last night we were there, he had a severe asthma attack, went to the hospital, and wasn't breathing, etc... I thought I'd have to stay for the funeral. Having watched something like that, I can imagine, to a certain extent, how Kris must have felt, being by my side while I was bleeding out.<br />
<br />
The first time around, I was out on anesthesia for several hours, so I wasn't aware of what was happening. (Ketamine... I hate you.) But my husband, he had to hold our brand new baby, hoping everything was okay. He had to wait over two hours, when he was told that the procedure was going to be 15-20 minutes. He had to hold my hand while I was blubbering Lord knows what in my anesthesia. When I was coming around, the first thing I remember is his voice. He was holding my hand, praying. I thought he was crying. I remember desperately wanting to say something to let him know I was here.<br />
<br />
This time around, it's a different story. I was awake for most of it... And since I didn't go into surgery, Kris was by my side the whole time, experiencing the whole ordeal with me. He was calm, (although I'm sure he wasn't) and didn't panic. When I thought I might die, he didn't freak out. He was such a huge huge strength to me, and his presence and reassurances were so very... well, reassuring. (duh.) He took care of me, and my family, and my babies while I couldn't. When I needed to rehash the experience to have some closure, he didn't back away. He was open to talking, and listening. He's always been such a good listener. He shed tears with me. He was vulnerable. We hurt together, and we healed together.<br />
<br />
When we came home, we both suffered through some amount of emotional healing. We were both very stressed. I have never seen my husband so short tempered as those days. He's usually very patient, but all the stress I think was affecting him. But even during then, he was willing to talk, and was honest about everything that was going on. And he took care of me still, fetching me medicine, water, or anything I needed. He kept on telling me that he wanted me to heal.<br />
<br />
He's been SO patient with me during my healing process. I had to heal not only physically, but also emotionally/mentally. He's been so supportive, and I know I can always depend on him. <br />
<br />
All that to say... I married my bestest friend. I knew he was going to be a great husband, and a wonderful father to my children. Going through these kinds of experiences together has brought us closer than ever, and he has been so steadfast throughout it all. He deserves so much credit in where our marriage is today. He's not a perfect human being for sure. But he is perfect FOR ME. God truly knew what he was doing when he paired us together.<br />
<br />
More often than not, before we fall asleep, this is how it goes:<br />
<br />
Kris: Wake me up if you need anything. ANYTHING.<br />
Ju: I will.<br />
Kris: Promise?<br />
Ju: Promise.<br />
<br />
It's been that way from the very beginning. And the thing is? I know he means it every time.<br />
<br />
I love you babe. You're my soul mate. Truly. And thanks for being there for me always. And sorry for making you go through tough times. You are my hero.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-45652713198864128712011-01-02T18:24:00.000-08:002011-01-06T20:24:27.933-08:006 weeksThose of you who have given birth probably know what 6 weeks signify. The long period of recovering, the light at the end of the tunnel. Yep. Tomorrow's my light at the end of the tunnel.<br />
<br />
Honestly, it's been sort of hard waiting out full 6 weeks. Kris and I have been so close emotionally, and the desire to be just as close physically has been overwhelming at times. But we're finally here, and since he's leaving for almost a week tomorrow on a business trip... I think 5 weeks 6 days is plenty. :)ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-83711866041089803202010-12-30T14:40:00.000-08:002010-12-30T14:40:51.446-08:00dad, I love youI never had a very close relationship with my dad. Not that it was bad, necessarily, just not close. I never talked to him about anything that mattered, let alone about anything intimate. I never shared my secrets or concerns with him. Why?<br />
<br />
I guess I was just intimidated by him. He was never around when I was growing up. He was abroad working most of my childhood, and when I was in Indonesia, I was in the dorms, so obviously, we weren't together. He seemed almost scary to me, even though I (of course) knew that he was working hard for our family. I've seen the sacrifice that both my mom & dad have made for us kids... It wasn't just that they were apart. That time apart with us kids, it really took a toll on the relationship itself. I rarely "felt" his love - Asians are bad at expressing love anyway, and with all the distance and once or twice a month phone calls, I was definitely not a daddy's girl.<br />
<br />
Anyway. So when I had Alaise and my parents came to live with us for a couple of months, I thought he would be the same. See from a safe distance but not touch.<br />
<br />
How so very WRONG I was. He was the most hands-on grandpa I could have asked for. From when she was a tiny little thing, he held her so much during the day, he always buckled her in her car seat, even always sat next to her when we had to place the car seat in the back seat of the van. Cramped as he was, he always wanted to sit next to her and take care of her. He is the master of putting my kids to sleep in his arms, and loves napping with them in the crook of his arms. He made sure that we had a burp cloth & a paci on hand at all times. He would pat her little bottom gently, coaxing her to sleep when she was fussy.<br />
<br />
What a wondrous experience it was. To watch him defy all of my expectations. Then I realized, that he was probably that way with me too, when I was little. When I was just a babe, he probably held me just the same and showered love on me. Or maybe he couldn't, because he was always working, or always away. So maybe he was doing all the things he wanted to do with me, now with my daughter. I can't tell you how much closer I felt to him as I watched him care for my daughter. It was almost as if I was soaking it all in, pretending that I was watching my own babyhood. He was loving both me and my daughter through it all.<br />
<br />
I remember of something my mom said to me once. We took a family portrait a long time ago, when I was... maybe a sophomore in high school. It was really the first formal portrait that we got done that I remember. We all got a small print of it, and I framed mine, and my brother put his in his wallet (which he still carries around). Mom & dad had a slightly larger print of it framed. Mom told me once that dad carried that photo around no matter what and where. With them moving around so much, it's hard to have too much "stuff". Well, that photo went anywhere they went, and always got hung in their bedroom. Spending more time with him now, I see how attached he is to photos. He loves taking pictures of family, even on a mundane day, he'll take out his camera and take photos. He saves every photo I upload on Facebook onto his laptop.<br />
<br />
So for Christmas this year, I got him a digital photo frame. Since they can't carry around too many prints of pictures (they get really bulky!), I thought it would be wonderful for them to be able to have a digital frame with photos circulating. I think he really liked it! Him and my brother got it working right away and he had photos displaying all day long even before they left.<br />
<br />
Just because you can't express your love doesn't mean you don't. I think that's the case here. I think my dad loves us much, much more than he can say.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-16928553436315906222010-12-28T19:47:00.000-08:002010-12-28T19:47:12.122-08:00emptyIt's amazing how much space two people can fill. To go from 7 people to 5 in a household - it makes such a HUGE difference. We came back today from dropping my parents off in Dallas. They've flown back to Korea, and will be flying back to Indonesia in January. It was so hard to say goodbye to them, as it is every time. Goodbyes never get easy, it seems, even though I've said them hundreds of times to close family and friends in my life. (I wonder what it feels like to live in a same town most of one's life, surrounded by family and friends... It would be nice to experience the difference!)<br />
<br />
It was especially difficult, knowing that my parents were deeply attached to Alaise. They've spent SO much time with her while they've been here, and most days, mom was almost the primary caretaker for her. Thanks to Skype and video, we get to talk almost daily face to face, (or rather, monitor to monitor) it really is different to have them in person, to watch them hold her, kiss her, teach her stuff, and (fortunately or unfortunately?) spoil her. I think they'll really miss her. And of course Kai... But baby Kai doesn't have much personality yet (except for his temper when he cries - he gets SO mad sometimes!), so he gets held most of the day, and that's the extent of the interaction.<br />
<br />
Anyway. So we drove back home after dropping them off. I managed not to cry, which is really good... Last year, I bawled like a little babe. It may be that I'm absolutely EXHAUSTED down to my bones right now. I've been sick for three days, and hardly have eaten anything. (Which is saying a lot, as I hardly ever lose my appetite, even when I'm sick...) The house feels so much emptier, and it makes my heart ache when I see the last touches of my mother around the house - the dishes washed, the guest room cleaned, the bed made, baby clothes folded, the cups in wrong places in the cupboard.<br />
<br />
As I walk around the house feeling lost, I realize I've got my hands full and then some. :) And I see my little toddler, making a mess of her toy box... She sees me, raises her arms up, opens and closes her fists - her way of saying "pick me up please!". I pick her up, and as she clings to me, the world feels like it's going to be okay. I think despite what I may feel today, things are going to be okay. Because I have my beautiful daughter, my gorgeous son, my fun (albeit sometimes obnoxious) brother, and my bestest friend in this house still.<br />
<br />
But mom & dad, how I already miss you so.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-38625649338371859972010-12-26T15:11:00.000-08:002010-12-28T19:05:50.808-08:00traditionsMerry Christmas and a Happy New Year! What traditions do you have in your family??<br />
<br />
I wish I could rattle off traditions I had growing up. But frankly, Koreans don't do a lot to celebrate Christmas, and as my parents didn't even believe in Christmas, we did even less. Even though I grew up with "Americans" in high school, I went home during the Christmas break, so I never really celebrated Christmas until my freshmen year in college. I stayed the break with the Wolcotts, a wonderful Missionary in Residence familiy. (MIRs - John Brown has a missionary family on furlough living close to campus who help and hang out with MKs.) I didn't think much of Christmas, but quickly I realized that it was a big deal in the family. I ended up receiving gifts from them, and felt bad that I didn't have any prepared for them.<br />
<br />
The second year, I spent Christmas with my friend, Christy, and her family. In her family, they bought unpainted ceramic ornaments and painted them every year for Christmas. So I picked one out and painted one, and Christy gave me an ornament that she painted as a gift. Again, I received gifts...<br />
<br />
I think I spent all the rest Christmases with Kris' family. They don't have any special traditions, just get together on Christmas day at his parents house, and all the relatives gather together for lunch & gifts. Mom V usually decorates her tree just with blue lights, no ornaments, and her stair case with greenery.<br />
<br />
When it was just Kris and I, what we did for Christmas didn't matter much. I think we didn't even have a tree up most of the years. We just stayed together, exchanged gifts, and went over to mom & dad's early and waited for the rest of the family. But now that we have little ones, I really, really, I mean, REALLY, want to have some traditions. Things that we do every year, things that kids remember Christmas by. It makes me jealous to read all the other people's traditions, people who have grown up in them. People who's families have had traditions for generations. People who look forward to certain things every Christmas because, well, it's always been there. People who's days before Christmas are full of crafts & baking.<br />
<br />
I think we definitely want to do stockings on Christmas Eve and presents Christmas morning. This year, we actually got stockings with everyone's names on them, and they are actually really really cute! (Thanks, Walmart!) I hope to have more traditions figured out by next year, when Alaise will be two years old.<br />
<br />
(Let's just not make getting sick after Christmas lunch a tradition, okay?)ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-35038687855523593942010-12-15T21:51:00.000-08:002010-12-15T21:51:20.388-08:00shoppingI'm just not a huge shopper. I enjoy it once in a while, but definitely in moderation. Unlike my mother-in-law, who almost literally shops till she drops (she ends up buying new comfy shoes cuz she can't walk anymore), I get tired of going through so much stuff quickly. Kinda like garage sale-ing, I guess - I just don't have the patience to go through everyone's "junk" for hours to find a gem.<br />
<br />
So, I hate Christmas shopping. It's such a challenge for me, especially when most of the time, I don't even know what people like or need. It is pretty easy to buy for Kris, as I usually have a pretty good mental note from throughout the year to know what he's been wanting, or what he'd enjoy. But even purchasing gifts for in-laws is difficult... Clothes, jewelry, stuff... It seems like they have it all already. I especially hate scrambling for gifts a couple days before Christmas - it really, really stresses me out.<br />
<br />
This year, I've vowed to get my shopping done early. Thank God for the internet! Because I hate wandering the mall with Kris, asking, "Do you think they'll like this? What do they want?" a million times, I've been browsing the internet for my gifts, and I've loved it. Not only can I stay home (with two babies, this is the most important!) and buy gifts with a click of a button, I can have them delivered right to my door... All I have to do is wrap them! And this year, I've been fortunate to have my family here with me, and I think I got something for them that (hopefully) they'll like. :) They're such nazis about "stuff", because they don't want to have to move around with more stuff that they have to pack. But I think what I got them are pretty good and un-bulky.<br />
<br />
AND, having babies and their pictures - gifts for grandparents have gotten better & easier, I think. :)ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-20034152811197672782010-12-14T14:20:00.000-08:002010-12-14T14:20:54.301-08:00equality?I don't understand why some people feel that the rest of the society is entitled to the "rich people's" money to make us "equal".<br />
<br />
Rich people's money, no matter how rich, (usually) is THEIR money. They earned it, or their family members earned it, so it's theirs. Why do people think that just because they own a lot of it, the rest of the country is entitled to what's theirs?<br />
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I don't get it. I don't get how that is some people's view of equality. Robin Hood was a hero because he robbed the rich who got there unjustly and gave to the poor. The same does NOT apply in this world...<br />
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<vent over>ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-86460962848176921802010-12-11T09:25:00.000-08:002010-12-11T09:25:25.795-08:00what does that mean?So, what does our delivery experience mean??<br />
<ol><li>There is something wrong with me. The bleeding didn't happen twice for no reason. They think there is something wrong with my blood. I've been recommended to see a hematologist, to find out what may be wrong... If I do have a clotting disorder of some kind, we need to know, in case of accidents where I am bleeding a lot, or major surgeries I may need in the future.<br />
</li>
<li>Chances are, we can't have more children... We grieved when we found this out, and we still do. We talked about this before we had Kai - "Hey, what if we just have two? They'll be close in age and grow up together, and we'll be done!" But now that I'm faced with the fact that we probably won't have any more kids, I realize I did want one more. But Kris (& I do too) feels like the risk is just too high. I don't think we're willing to risk me dying to have another baby. It breaks my heart. So, unless the hematologist can tell us that he can reduce the risk significantly, I guess we'll just be having two children.<br />
</li>
<li>It really... "renewed" the bond Kris and I have. We've gotten SO close the past couple of weeks. We can hardly be apart for very long, and it's a good thing he's working from home! I think the experience reminded us of what we have, and it helped us appreciate it so much. Emotionally, I think Kris was maybe more traumatized than me, as he had to watch me "almost die" twice now. He's been such a wonderful, wonderful husband. (more on that later, I'm sure.)</li>
</ol>I'm sure there are more implications... But those are what comes to me immediately. It seems like my life got shaken around, and now I need to find out where everything landed. ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-34785001086586117402010-12-09T15:02:00.000-08:002010-12-11T09:26:29.381-08:00baby. life. death. love.(This post was written over the course of 2 weeks or so... Which explains the tense changes and such.)<br />
<br />
Exactly a week ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed, disappointed that my nurse's prediction hadn't come true. She thought I'd have a baby by midnight, but she was wrong. Oh well.<br />
<br />
My contractions started around 5 o'clock on Nov. 21st, Sunday. I had had mild contractions all night long the previous night, and I thought for sure I'd be going to the hospital in the morning. But they slowed down, and we spent the day doing normal stuff - watching CBS Morning, eating, shopping at Sam's. Then we went to the doctor's for Kris' cough that wasn't going away. I'm pretty sure my contractions started while we were sitting there waiting for his steroid shot. They started coming pretty regularly and painfully, which was good news! We got home, I told my parents what was up (they freaked out and thought I should be going to the hospital pronto). I really wanted to put Alaise to bed before going, so we packed the hospital bag, Kris tried to fix the porch lock, we ate dinner, and I gave Alaise a bath. But around 7:30pm, my contractions were so painful, I thought I needed to get to the hospital... So we said our good byes, and took off.<br />
(Right before leaving, Alaise gave us a treat - she pretended to answer the phone with my phone, putting it on her ear. Freakin' adorable.)<br />
<br />
We get to the hospital. My contractions are almost exactly 5 minutes apart. I get placed in the triage, and I get hooked up with all the familiar stuff - pressure cuff, two belly bands, with the rhythmic heartbeat going, going, going. They check and I'm 5+cm dilated, so I won't be going home. (yay!) They move me to our room, and Kris and I get ourselves comfortable. (Contractions are really painful at this point though, I don't know how comfortable you can get on the hospital bed with them coming regularly...) I get hooked up to an IV, and our nurse, Christina, asks if I want an epidural. YES! (*I know some people thumb their noses at epidurals. I don't understand why, as it makes the whole labor & delivery process so much more pleasant!! Also, we wanted the epidural, just in case of complications like last time.) I sign a bunch of papers, while waiting for the anesthesiologist. Once I get the epidural (Kris could stay in the room with me this time), I think it's around 9pm. I'm 6-7cm dilated. We try to get some rest. My water breaks on its own (quite a bizarre feeling with epidural) during one of the stronger contractions - I hope that it will speed up my labor.<br />
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I doze on and off. Christina thinks that I might have the baby by midnight, which is fantastic - that will be a short labor! But around 10-11pm, my contractions slow down, so they put me on pitocin. Also, the baby is turned sideways, so I lay for a while on my side, hoping he'll turn. Midnight comes and goes, and around 1:30am, Christina checks me - 10cm! I think I probably had been dilated that much for a while, but whatever... They start prepping the room, Christina calls Dr. Eisenhauer, and gets me to give a couple of trial pushes. Dr. Eisenhauer arrives a little bit before 2am, and after about 4 sets of pushes, my little boy is born!! 2:17am, 9lb 9oz, 21 inches long. Considering how big he is, the delivery doesn't seem all that bad. They put him on my chest, and I spend a few moments caressing him - I don't remember much from Alaise's birth, and I want to remember this clearly with him. They whisk him away to clean him (and how he cried! His big sister hardly cried...), and the doctor delivers my placenta. (Good sign, as it didn't with Alaise.) I have a 2nd degree tear, which is much better than last time.<br />
<br />
So everything seems to be going SO much better than the first. But we're all nervous about what might happen next. We all hope nothing will happen, but because of the severe bleeding from last delivery, the doctor orders a full pitocin drip & mega dose of (I think) Cytotec. Christina told me that they usually insert a quarter of a pill in the vagina to stimulate labor... They put 6 whole pills in me to get my uterus to contract and stop bleeding. With the precautions taken, we're hopeful that that will be the end of our birth story. I get to breastfeed our little boy, have some family time until they take him to the nursery. I think it's around 3:30am... Kris and I are new parents again, and we're happy & exhausted. We discuss baby boy's name for a while, and then to bed we go!<br />
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I had drunk a bunch of cranberry juice right after the delivery, and I woke up needing to throw up really bad. Kris will tell you, I HATE throwing up. I'd rather lay sick for two hours, rather than throw up and feel better. But in this case, I couldn't hold it in... Felt much better afterwards. Dozing on and off, the nurse came in once in a while to check up on me, massaging my abdomen, assessing how much I was bleeding. She said that I was still bleeding more than normal (which was a little disconcerting, since I was full of do-not-bleed medication), but it was okay.<br />
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I woke up once again, around 6:15am, feeling like I had to throw up. All I had had after my first episode was a couple sips of water... But this time, it wasn't just needing to throw up. I felt SO sick... I was hot, sweaty, my stomach was turning and I was dry heaving. I felt claustrophobic, and I was disoriented. My blanket was soaked in blood. (which felt like dejavu from the first delivery... blood soaked blankets are never good.) I was in the middle of trying to wake Kris up, when the nurses came in panicked. (Later I found out that they had gotten results from my latest blood draw, and my platelet level had plummeted.) They started looking me over... Discovered that my epidural site was also bleeding. (they had left my catheter in there, just in case I needed to go into surgery.) Which was a bad bad sign... I was bleeding from places I wasn't supposed to bleed from. (Later I found out that my urine also had blood in it, which they were extremely alarmed about.) And I heard nurses mumble something about baseball sized clots. (SHIT.)<br />
<br />
While they are doing Lord knows what, Kris started calling people - my parents (who didn't answer), his parents (who also didn't answer), my brother (guess what, yep, he didn't answer either). My thoughts at this point was, "Oh my gosh. I'm gonna bleed to death and I'm not gonna be able to talk to my parents... If my brother doesn't answer, who's going to tell my parents what's happening??"<br />
<br />
My dad did call back, although I'm unsure about the passage of time from this point forward. I told him that things were't looking good, and that I may be heading into surgery for a hysterectomy. (I think that was what the nurses told me was probably going to happen.) I didn't tell him just how serious the situation was... I didn't have the words to really tell him what was happening. I mean, how do you tell your parents that you may be dying?<br />
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At this point, I think they gave me Stadol for pain relief. And things get real fuzzy. Stadol had an interesting affect on me... I got real sleepy, and even though I think I had my eyes open, I don't remember actually seeing anything. So maybe I was talking with my eyes closed? Also, I had to concentrate really hard to say anything. I'm sure I drifted in and out of sleep the entire time. <br />
<br />
**Stadol got rid of my "filter". You know, how you think certain things, but you (obviously) don't say it to people around you? Or you only say it to your spouse? Well, all of that came out without that (oh-so-important) filter. <br />
<br />
<ul><li>Example: During the upcoming (extremely painful) procedure, Kris says I kept complaining why they weren't giving me something in my epidural. I think I complained and complained about this.</li>
<li>Example: When (according to Kris, a very very nice) a lab technician came in to draw my blood, I apparently looked down at it, and said, "Ow. That hurts. This stuff isn't working." (at which point, my nurse went to get me a dose of morphine.) Sounds like something a little child would say, no?</li>
<li>Example: You know, how you don't yell or scream even if you have a bit of pain? Or, even if it's a lot of pain, you control it to a certain extent? Yep. Stadol got rid of that too. In the aforemetioned procedure, I apparently screamed so loud that it made my (not squeamish) husband sick, he almost threw up. All the pain I was feeling, came out as blood curdling screams. (I hope nobody was close and in labor - it probably would have freaked them out.)</li>
<li>Example: "Could I die?" I kept asking the nurse. I guess it was definitely something that was going through my head, but something I would not have verbalized under normal condition. But Stadol? It helped me really "be myself". I asked whatever I wanted. The nurse's answer? "Yes, you could.</li>
</ul>**Stadol also messed with my perception of time. When Kris finally told me that our families were on the way to the hospital, I kept asking him if they were here yet. "No, but they'll be here shortly." "You said that 30 minutes ago!" When in fact, it had only been 8 minutes. I did that over and over again.<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">---------------------------------</div><div>Anyway. My OB got to the hospital, and I am sure they started discussing what to do with me. I don't remember hardly anything during this time. (Thanks, Stadol!) Kris told me that they had the entire area prepped with sterile stuff, and since they didn't know what they were going to do yet, they apparently had everything under the sun ready. My OB and her partner decided to use the <a href="http://www.uptodate.com/patients/content/topic.do?topicKey=%7Ena4nhQ_LAH.RX_a">intrauterine balloon</a>. I think by this point, they did not want to take me into surgery, for fear of me bleeding out on the table from surgery sites, as my blood wasn't clotting anywhere. So they wanted to do everything they could without taking me into surgery first. </div><div><br />
</div><div>This is the previously mentioned procedure that made me scream and my husband sick. I don't remember much, except for the excruciating pain (I thought they were killing me... seriously.) and the (Stadol-induced) thought, "Why (the &@!*) aren't they getting me numb with the epidural?!" (In their defense, they didn't have the time to call the anesthesiologist and get me numb or anything.) I don't ever remember being in that much pain in my life, and I am sure I let the entire hospital floor know it.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Anyway. They did their thing, the nurse gave me morphine, and I was in and out. Kris kept telling me to rest, that I should sleep, but my thought was, "I don't want to close my eyes yet - I HAVE to see my daughter. What if I don't wake up??" I was going to stay awake and see Alaise if it killed me. And I did. Our parents and Alaise got to the hospital shortly (I swear, it was like, two hours later, but it was only 30 minutes at most in reality.). I asked Kris to get my mom and Alaise. Mom came in the room, and I could hardly talk... Who knows what I looked like. (Later, the nurses and doctors all told me how I didn't look Asian at all, because I was so pale from all the blood loss.) I'm sure I was completely bloated as well. She just caressed my face, and started massaging my feet. Kris brought Alaise in, and I wanted to hold her so dearly, but of course I couldn't... But it was good enough that I touched her, and saw her.</div><div><br />
</div><div>From there, for several hours, they just monitored me closely to make sure my bleeding had stopped and things were progressing as they should. Kris got some much needed sleep, and me... well, feeling claustrophobic in the bed and in a lot of pain, I just tried to get through. I had the following things all hooked up to my body: two IV's, one in each arm, a catheter, a tube from the balloon, a pressure cuff, and compression stockings (to prevent thrombosis, due to all the clotting factors I was getting), one on each leg. Seven things, permanently attached... It's a wonder I got any sleep that first night. I received: 4 units of red blood cells, 2 bags of platelets, 2 bags of plasma, over 6 bags of pitocin, and tons and tons of saline.<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">---------------------------------<br />
Recovery was... Rough. Physically and emotionally. I thought I felt pretty good when I got discharged from the hospital - I was surprised at the speed of my recovery. I felt much better than the first time, although the situation this time around was more serious. I'm still recovering... physically and emotionally. The implications of what happened (more on that later) gets me crying at the drop of a hat.<br />
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I had had what's called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disseminated_intravascular_coagulation">DIC (Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation)</a>. From what I can tell, it's where your body's clotting factors go haywire so your body starts bleeding out. It's pretty dang serious, and as much as I keep thinking, "Oh, you're being dramatic... You didn't REALLY almost die...", talking to the doctors (and even Kai's pediatrician, who came to talk to us while all hell was breaking loose, was telling me how serious DIC is on his visit) and reading up on the internet (oh, internet. How you provide me with too much information sometimes.), I realize that God has been so gracious to let us return home as a family.<br />
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<span class="tl">So that's the "short" story. Kris and I still talk about it, find out new things, go over old things... As much as it's scary and painful to go through the story over and over again, it helps with healing. For both of us. For everyone who prayed for us in our time of dire need - thank you. I appreciate it more than I can say. God's been so good to our family... I hope this new life we brought to this world will always remind me of that.</span><br />
<span class="tl"><br />
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<span class="tl">Baby. Life. Death. Love. All the things that matter in life. It seems I have experienced almost all of it in less than 24 hours.</span></div></div>ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7757176315608380006.post-17980216088354981042010-12-03T20:31:00.000-08:002010-12-03T20:31:48.864-08:00backlashKris and I sat down to watch the episode of Grey's Anatomy from last night. I had to tell him to turn it off about 10 minutes into the show - all the blood that was pouring out of the guy totally caught me off guard, and I felt such a rush of anxiety, I couldn't watch it any longer. We did end up watching the rest of it after a Bones episode, but...<br />
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I guess I still have a little bit more healing to do.ju.vanderwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10341817948923757993noreply@blogger.com0