Monday, January 31, 2011

the more the merrier...

The more comments on a giveaway the merrier, isn't it?  Actually, probably not, as it decreases your chances of winning. :)  I really want another baby carrier, but I just don't want to spend the money, and I saw this blog was giving away a carrier that seems awesome, so I'm blogging about it.

http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2011/01/a-versatile-baby-carrier-chai-wrap-tai-giveaway.html/comment-page-13#comment-55088

breastfeeding

I admit, I hated breastfeeding.  (There is almost nothing else that makes me feel like a bad mother than saying that.)

With Alaise, breastfeeding was so full of frustration.  My milk came in late, partially due to all the blood loss.  The lactation consultant at the hospital suggest me try nursing her anyway, but if I needed to supplement with formula, to use a small tube that threaded into her mouth, so she would encourage milk supply to increase as she drank formula.  I HATED EVERY FEEDING TIME.  I would cry, and I was frustrated beyond reason.  I hated threading that stupid tube and poking my breast & her mouth.  It worked better with Kris' help, but he wasn't there at every feeding.  Sometimes it would get lose and loose suction, and I would have to thread it all over again.  (And I hated cleaning the dumb things...  syringe & tube & bottle.)  I almost switched over to formula on a daily basis.  Also, being afraid of nipple confusion, when I was fed up, we did finger feeding.  My supply did come in finally, but it was enough only for a month or so.  (And in March, I got pregnant with Kai, and my supply started going down.)  Here are some things I read/heard other women say and how I felt about it:
  • "I love the bonding time." - Breastfeeding was the worst bonding time, as I was at my worst.
  • "It's intimate and rewarding." - I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't exclusively breastfeed.  It was such a huge guilt trap.
  • "My supply is tanking - I can only pump 8oz!" - I want to reach in and throttle you!  Or take your boobs!  (I only ever pumped 1-1.5oz at a time.  Ever.)
  • "Anyone can breastfeed!" - NOT TRUE.  I pumped, pumped, pumped, took Fenugreek until my dirty laundry all smelled like maple syrup.  I did not try Reglan, because I was afraid of post partum depression.  But it is not true that everyone can breastfeed.  Certainly, breast milk is the most beneficial to our babies, but sometimes, it is not what is best for the mother and the family as a whole.
  • "Don't nurse from one breast for over 30 minutes." - Really?  Cuz, I nurse less than 5 minutes and there's nothing left.
  • "My toddler is 3 and still breastfeeding.  I'm waiting till he weans on his own.  It is unnatural to force him to wean." - Hmm.  I have mixed feelings about this one - obviously, everyone makes their own decisions.  But I see some kids who nurse until they are 5-6 in some cases...  I don't see why weaning nursing is unnatural.  Most of us try to wean babies off pacifiers, stop them when they suck on their thumbs, and toilet train them, instead of saying "They'll wean/potty when they're ready." and not do anything about it.  To me it's the same with nursing - kids may take much much longer if left to their own timing... And I wonder how much of it is for the kids & for the mom.  Not that it is in every case, but I can see how nursing longer makes moms feel needed.  Because the children depend on them more for comfort & security.  There is a difference between being there for the kids and needing their dependence for our own insecurity.
It was SUCH a relief when I finally had to switch Alaise over to formula.  My supply was so low that there wasn't even a point in pumping anymore.  For a while, I would pump during the day and give her what I had mixed in with her night bottle.  But by the time she was about six months old, she was on formula full time.  And I must admit, I was a much happier mom.  Aside from the guilt of "I'm feeding my kid formula," most of my frustrations, stress, and burden had gone away.  (Although, the guilt is no small matter.)  Oh, and it's freakin' expensive.

I was really looking forward to seeing if my milk would come in and my supply would be good enough to nurse our second, as I expected the delivery to go smoothly.  No dice - same thing happened, and I lost even more blood this time around.  I was discouraged, and this time, I was determined not to be stressed.  So I just fed Kai formula.  From a regular bottle & nipple.  I didn't mess with tubes or fingers.  I just used bottles.  AND IT WAS SO NICE.  I didn't care about nipple confusion or milk supply.  I did what was easy.  And feedings were so much more enjoyable, and as a result, I was happier & did see them as bonding time.  I nursed & pumped as well, (although there wasn't anything to pump, really) but I took it easy.

Milk did come in eventually.  (It took longer than normal, I think.)  When it did, I again, took it easy, and eventually weaned off formula.  I've been exclusively breastfeeding him for around 6 weeks now, although I nurse from both breasts every time, and it seems barely enough.  But we're okay for now.  I started taking Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle together, but I'm not sure if it's doing anything.  Oh well.  I'll just do my best and do what I can.

Some awesome "ups" to breastfeeding:
  • Feeding at night is fantastic!  I can just nurse him next to his crib, put him back down when we're done, and go back to bed.  No need to mess with going to the kitchen & making up formula.
  • No washing bottles!  Alaise is on sippy cup for her milk, so I don't have to wash any bottles.  YESSS.  I hate washing bottles.
  • Road trips are much easier.  I just nurse in the car while we stop for gas/restroom.  No need to pack formula, bottles, clean water, etc., and then deal with dirty bottles.
  • As much as I don't want to, (because I don't think it's a good indicator) I feel like a better mom.  I feel good about being able to provide for him.
  • It's definitely cheaper.  Definitely.
Oddly enough, I still don't enjoy breastfeeding.  It's still stressful, as I always feel like there's not quite enough, and I don't have any extra frozen.  But it's better, much better than the first time around.  I hope I can continue on.  However, if the time comes when it isn't enough and I've done what I can, I think I will hesitate a lot less before supplementing with formula.  And feel good about it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

shards of my heart

Kris and I talk about a lot of things.  I can proudly say we are very transparent in our relationship, and we talk about everything, from past relationships to naughty dreams. :)  He always makes me feel like I can talk to him about whatever I want and need without being afraid of what may happen, or what he may think/say.  It's always been that way, from day 1 with him...  And I love him dearly for it.

But one thing that is really hard to talk about for both of us, is what happened to me.  Not to be overly dramatic, but ever since the birth, it's been so easy for me to dwell on "what if"s.  What if I had died?  Then what would have happened?  It's hard to talk about it, maybe because of how close we really did come to that possibility.  I hate to seem like I'm dwelling on it - but I can't really help it (not yet, anyway)...  A ton of the emotions & thoughts these days are tied to it.  (I can't believe it's only been two months.)

A thought that broke my heart into a million pieces is the fact that if I had died, I was going to leave Alaise.  My little girl who is only a year old.  My little girl whom I love so dearly.  My little girl whose needs I've attended to since the moment she was born.  What is worse, is to think that this little person whom I loved so much every second of her life would not remember me.  In my selfishness, (and unnecessary thoughts) it made me so sad that my baby would not remember the person who loved her most.  (well, aside from her daddy, of course...)  That all the love I had for her wouldn't really exist in her memories.

One of Kris' friends, L, got married several years ago, to a really nice guy who had a little boy.  His wife died of cancer, so I was really glad to hear that he had found L.  I don't know them well, and most of what I hear is from other people (mostly Kris' mom) and Facebook, but one thing I see is that she really accepted him and loves him as her child.  He is 9 years old, so chances are, he really loves L as his mom, as it should be.  But it is also sad to me to think that he most likely doesn't have many memories of his birth mom, who probably loved him to bits.

It's life, I know.  Humans grow and it's natural for all of us not to remember our days as infants.  And of course, if I really had died, I wouldn't care that Alaise wouldn't remember me, cuz, well, I would be dead.  But it's still a heartbreaking thought - that the greatest love I had for someone wouldn't be remembered.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

and then there were four...

My brother left today for school once again.  This means that for the first time since Kai was born, we are alone, just the four of us.  The house seems even emptier than before, but I'm really really glad that Seung Ri could be here for a while after my parents left to soften the blow.  I love having him here - it gives me security, just having family around.  And with all the help he's been around the house, with the babies & chores, he's been invaluable.  And we get to game together.  :)  (Thanks, bro!) 

Anyway.  So now, it's just us.  We all went to the mall today and as we were walking in the parking lot, Kris mused, "How did this happen?"  It's bizarre to think that our family has grown to four people.  Things are crazy around the house, especially when both kiddos start crying at the same time - but it's amazing to know that I have a family of my own.  A family that will be with me, family that I (Lord willing) don't have to say goodbye to for a long time.  Kids who will call me mom.  We are Vanderwater, party of four.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

normal!

Apparently my blood-stuff levels are all back to normal.  My OB thinks that's pretty shocking, I think she expected me to take longer to "heal".   Frankly, so did I...  I thought maybe my RBC count would be lower than normal, and I'd have to take more iron.  But maybe not.

I will be making an appointment with the hematologist soon.  Maybe he'll have some answers to my abnormalities.  Dr. Eisenhauer (the aforementioned OB) told me last Friday, on my last post partum checkup, that she hasn't really even heard of what I went through the first time, let alone see/experience it twice.  Apparently post partum hemorrhage, which I thought was what I went through, generally happens right after you deliver the baby.  In my case, both times, I delivered, was fine, and 2-3 hours later, bleed out uncontrollably.  Her best guess is that the problem is with some kind of later-working clot factors.

She also offered grief counseling...  She thought she should have mentioned it earlier, but we just seemed "strong and put-together", that she didn't think of it sooner.  I don't feel strong and put-together sometimes...  And Kris and I still get pretty emotional about it.  Dr. E said that it was a very traumatic experience for her as well, and that it would be more so for me.  I don't know...  When do you know you need grief counseling?  We've definitely grieved, especially over the fact that we most likely won't have any more babies.  We've cried over what happened & what may have happened.  Maybe the fact that I'm not sure about it means I need counseling?  I don't know.

Anyway.  The blood test results at least make me feel like a normal person once again.

Kai baby

It seems like I haven't blogged once about our little boy, Kai.  I feel terrible about being a mom second time around - things are not less special, per se, but less note-worthy, as I've seen it/done it before.  Besides, with a toddler walking around, doing new and cute things all day long, it's hard to mention the little one who sleeps and eats most of the day. :)

But he's been a pretty good baby so far.  He definitely does seem to have a different personality than Alaise.  At first, I was concerned, because the nurses and the pediatrician at the hospital told us that he had a temper and was very fussy.  They said he may be lactose intolerant, and gave him soy formula while we were there.  So we came home, and for a couple of days, practically all he did was sleep.  (What do you mean, he's fussy?)  Then the fussiness came.  I really think something was bothering him, maybe it was the formula, maybe it was something else.  But even after he ate, he was fussy, and he never seemed happy.

About a week afterward, though, he settled down.  Whatever was bothering him seemed to have disappeared, or at least lessened.   He was a lot less alert than Alaise was at that age - Alaise had her eyes wide open from the moment she was born, and she was very awake and alert even as a newborn.  He kept his eyes closed a lot, and slept a lot more.  He seems to be quieter and less social...  But also has a sharper temper, maybe.  When Alaise was hungry, especially in the middle of the night, she would whine and fuss for a while before building up to a cry...  Kai stirs, waking up, and fusses for about (literally) two seconds before he is all out bawling.  I have to react faster, in order to keep the rest of the house sleeping. :)

He seems to like baths, just like his sister did.  He's gotten SO cute these days, as his features are getting more defined, his eyes bigger, and his skin is clearing up a bit.  He has a ton of hair, and I love to spike it up after washing his hair, because it dries that way.  (Yes, I actually have to wash his hair.  With lots of soap.)  He's a big baby, but as I noted just yesterday, he's not a fat baby.  He can already manage to wear some 6-9 month clothing, but he's not really fat, as I've seen some babies.  He doesn't have fat rolls anywhere, really, besides his chubby cheeks and chin.  He's just... big.  He's also had pretty good neck control from the day he was born.

He naps pretty well, although he fusses some when he's tired.  But he falls asleep in his crib with the paci well, and he seems to like the Boppy swing, that Alaise didn't really get to use much.  (She uses it plenty now - I'm afraid it will break soon, as she loves to plop down in it.  I don't think it's meant for a 21 lb toddler.)  He is adamant about when he wants the paci and when he doesn't - when he doesn't, he will gag on it, and get very angry!  I don't remember Alaise being that way with the paci.  He nurses well, and breastfeeding has been SO much better than last time, although I think my milk supply just isn't enough.  <sigh>

I can usually manage to nap them at the same time in the morning & afternoon, which gives all of us an hour to an hour and a half of quiet time around the house.  (These times are TREASURED, I tell you!)  And I start their bath/bedtime routine around 7:30-8:00, and can usually have them both sleeping by 8:30-9:00.  Not bad, huh?

Anyway.  I've been cherishing his baby-ness, as I think he'll be the last baby of mine that I get to hold.  He's started to smile, which is adorable...  I find myself cooing at him and looking into his eyes.  I love to kiss and rub his wonderfully yummy cheeks, and love to run my fingers through his hair.  I can't wait to see him grow up!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

bye bye bottle

So we started weaning Alaise off of her bottles today.  Pediatrician told me last Friday (along with 4 shots and a finger prick...  "Boo", in Kris' words) that I need to start doing that, since they get very resistant to weaning after 15 months.  I haven't been too worried about the bottles & pacis till now, as she drinks her water from a straw sippy cups already, and she only uses her paci in her crib when she sleeps.  She's been taking her whole milk in her bottles still.

I started giving her her milk in her straw cup today...  She makes weird face at it once she tastes it - like "Mm, what happened?  This isn't water..."  And she didn't drink as much milk as she would normally.  Tonight she was very fussy going down, which is very unusual, and I wondered if it's because she didn't get her bottle.

I think I am more sad about this weaning.  I feel like this is the last of her babyhood...  Like once she doesn't take her bottles anymore, she really isn't my little baby anymore.  She'll officially be a toddler.  It's really really sad.  I didn't feel this way when I quit breastfeeding, maybe because I hated breastfeeding so much.  But the bottles...  They allow me to cuddle with my girl, (who never ever wants to cuddle) even just for a little, while she contently sucks on the them.  They allow her to be my baby.  Sippy cups just aren't the same.

But I guess motherhood is about letting go sometimes.  It's hard, but I've gotta learn it somehow...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

hubby

Experiencing what I've experienced in the last couple of months, I feel like I need to give my husband some spotlight.  He deserves a little (actually, a big) pat on his back...

Once some years ago, I had to watch my dad almost die.  It was when we were visiting Indonesia, and the last night we were there, he had a severe asthma attack, went to the hospital, and wasn't breathing, etc...  I thought I'd have to stay for the funeral.  Having watched something like that, I can imagine, to a certain extent, how Kris must have felt, being by my side while I was bleeding out.

The first time around, I was out on anesthesia for several hours, so I wasn't aware of what was happening.  (Ketamine...  I hate you.)  But my husband, he had to hold our brand new baby, hoping  everything was okay.  He had to wait over two hours, when he was told that the procedure was going to be 15-20 minutes.  He had to hold my hand while I was blubbering Lord knows what in my anesthesia.  When I was coming around, the first thing I remember is his voice.  He was holding my hand, praying.  I thought he was crying.  I remember desperately wanting to say something to let him know I was here.

This time around, it's a different story.  I was awake for most of it...  And since I didn't go into surgery, Kris was by my side the whole time, experiencing the whole ordeal with me.  He was calm, (although I'm sure he wasn't) and didn't panic.  When I thought I might die, he didn't freak out.  He was such a huge huge strength to me, and his presence and reassurances were so very...  well, reassuring.  (duh.)  He took care of me, and my family, and my babies while I couldn't.  When I needed to rehash the experience to have some closure, he didn't back away.  He was open to talking, and listening.  He's always been such a good listener.  He shed tears with me.  He was vulnerable.  We hurt together, and we healed together.

When we came home, we both suffered through some amount of emotional healing.  We were both very stressed.  I have never seen my husband so short tempered as those days.  He's usually very patient, but all the stress I think was affecting him.  But even during then, he was willing to talk, and was honest about everything that was going on.  And he took care of me still, fetching me medicine, water, or anything I needed.  He kept on telling me that he wanted me to heal.

He's been SO patient with me during my healing process.  I had to heal not only physically, but also emotionally/mentally.  He's been so supportive, and I know I can always depend on him.

All that to say...  I married my bestest friend.  I knew he was going to be a great husband, and a wonderful father to my children.  Going through these kinds of experiences together has brought us closer than ever, and he has been so steadfast throughout it all.  He deserves so much credit in where our marriage is today.  He's not a perfect human being for sure.  But he is perfect FOR ME.  God truly knew what he was doing when he paired us together.

More often than not, before we fall asleep, this is how it goes:

Kris:  Wake me up if you need anything.  ANYTHING.
Ju:  I will.
Kris:  Promise?
Ju:  Promise.

It's been that way from the very beginning.  And the thing is?  I know he means it every time.

I love you babe.  You're my soul mate.  Truly.  And thanks for being there for me always.  And sorry for making you go through tough times.  You are my hero.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

6 weeks

Those of you who have given birth probably know what 6 weeks signify.  The long period of recovering, the light at the end of the tunnel.  Yep.  Tomorrow's my light at the end of the tunnel.

Honestly, it's been sort of hard waiting out full 6 weeks.  Kris and I have been so close emotionally, and the desire to be just as close physically has been overwhelming at times.  But we're finally here, and since he's leaving for almost a week tomorrow on a business trip...  I think 5 weeks 6 days is plenty. :)