breastfeeding

I admit, I hated breastfeeding.  (There is almost nothing else that makes me feel like a bad mother than saying that.)

With Alaise, breastfeeding was so full of frustration.  My milk came in late, partially due to all the blood loss.  The lactation consultant at the hospital suggest me try nursing her anyway, but if I needed to supplement with formula, to use a small tube that threaded into her mouth, so she would encourage milk supply to increase as she drank formula.  I HATED EVERY FEEDING TIME.  I would cry, and I was frustrated beyond reason.  I hated threading that stupid tube and poking my breast & her mouth.  It worked better with Kris' help, but he wasn't there at every feeding.  Sometimes it would get lose and loose suction, and I would have to thread it all over again.  (And I hated cleaning the dumb things...  syringe & tube & bottle.)  I almost switched over to formula on a daily basis.  Also, being afraid of nipple confusion, when I was fed up, we did finger feeding.  My supply did come in finally, but it was enough only for a month or so.  (And in March, I got pregnant with Kai, and my supply started going down.)  Here are some things I read/heard other women say and how I felt about it:

• "I love the bonding time." - Breastfeeding was the worst bonding time, as I was at my worst.
• "It's intimate and rewarding." - I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't exclusively breastfeed.  It was such a huge guilt trap.
• "My supply is tanking - I can only pump 8oz!" - I want to reach in and throttle you!  Or take your boobs!  (I only ever pumped 1-1.5oz at a time.  Ever.)
• "Anyone can breastfeed!" - NOT TRUE.  I pumped, pumped, pumped, took Fenugreek until my dirty laundry all smelled like maple syrup.  I did not try Reglan, because I was afraid of post partum depression.  But it is not true that everyone can breastfeed.  Certainly, breast milk is the most beneficial to our babies, but sometimes, it is not what is best for the mother and the family as a whole.
• "Don't nurse from one breast for over 30 minutes." - Really?  Cuz, I nurse less than 5 minutes and there's nothing left.
• "My toddler is 3 and still breastfeeding.  I'm waiting till he weans on his own.  It is unnatural to force him to wean." - Hmm.  I have mixed feelings about this one - obviously, everyone makes their own decisions.  But I see some kids who nurse until they are 5-6 in some cases...  I don't see why weaning nursing is unnatural.  Most of us try to wean babies off pacifiers, stop them when they suck on their thumbs, and toilet train them, instead of saying "They'll wean/potty when they're ready." and not do anything about it.  To me it's the same with nursing - kids may take much much longer if left to their own timing... And I wonder how much of it is for the kids & for the mom.  Not that it is in every case, but I can see how nursing longer makes moms feel needed.  Because the children depend on them more for comfort & security.  There is a difference between being there for the kids and needing their dependence for our own insecurity.

It was SUCH a relief when I finally had to switch Alaise over to formula.  My supply was so low that there wasn't even a point in pumping anymore.  For a while, I would pump during the day and give her what I had mixed in with her night bottle.  But by the time she was about six months old, she was on formula full time.  And I must admit, I was a much happier mom.  Aside from the guilt of "I'm feeding my kid formula," most of my frustrations, stress, and burden had gone away.  (Although, the guilt is no small matter.)  Oh, and it's freakin' expensive.

I was really looking forward to seeing if my milk would come in and my supply would be good enough to nurse our second, as I expected the delivery to go smoothly.  No dice - same thing happened, and I lost even more blood this time around.  I was discouraged, and this time, I was determined not to be stressed.  So I just fed Kai formula.  From a regular bottle & nipple.  I didn't mess with tubes or fingers.  I just used bottles.  AND IT WAS SO NICE.  I didn't care about nipple confusion or milk supply.  I did what was easy.  And feedings were so much more enjoyable, and as a result, I was happier & did see them as bonding time.  I nursed & pumped as well, (although there wasn't anything to pump, really) but I took it easy.

Milk did come in eventually.  (It took longer than normal, I think.)  When it did, I again, took it easy, and eventually weaned off formula.  I've been exclusively breastfeeding him for around 6 weeks now, although I nurse from both breasts every time, and it seems barely enough.  But we're okay for now.  I started taking Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle together, but I'm not sure if it's doing anything.  Oh well.  I'll just do my best and do what I can.

Some awesome "ups" to breastfeeding:

• Feeding at night is fantastic!  I can just nurse him next to his crib, put him back down when we're done, and go back to bed.  No need to mess with going to the kitchen & making up formula.
• No washing bottles!  Alaise is on sippy cup for her milk, so I don't have to wash any bottles.  YESSS.  I hate washing bottles.
• Road trips are much easier.  I just nurse in the car while we stop for gas/restroom.  No need to pack formula, bottles, clean water, etc., and then deal with dirty bottles.
• As much as I don't want to, (because I don't think it's a good indicator) I feel like a better mom.  I feel good about being able to provide for him.
• It's definitely cheaper.  Definitely.

Oddly enough, I still don't enjoy breastfeeding.  It's still stressful, as I always feel like there's not quite enough, and I don't have any extra frozen.  But it's better, much better than the first time around.  I hope I can continue on.  However, if the time comes when it isn't enough and I've done what I can, I think I will hesitate a lot less before supplementing with formula.  And feel good about it.