I couldn't come up with an English title for this blog post. There is a word in Korean - it sort of means "disappointed"... but not quite. I've had such a hard time explaining the nuance of the word to Kris for most of our marriage. It's like... the situations I come up with, the word "disappointed" fits, but it's just not quite right. It's more subtle. Anyway.
I feel like that these days, as Alaise is growing older. She's always been a very very well adjusted baby. She has never cried because of strangers, and she's never had separation anxiety. (She cried once when I dropped her off at the nursery for MOPS, and she used to whine when she couldn't see me in the house, when she was like 4 months old. That's about the extent of her anxiety. Almost non-existent.) She plays so well on her own - I leave her in the living room, wave her bye-bye, and walk into the garage to grab something, and there is not a slightest hint of insecurity. She smiles at anyone and everyone, and when strangers come up and touch her, or coo at her, or even stretch their arms out, she smiles, laughs, and reaches out her arms to be hugged.
One of our Chinese restaurants we go to, the owner lady picked her up last time, walked around with her taking orders, and Alaise was totally fine. She cooed at all the customers in her arms. When we go to our Friday church group, she gets held by everyone and she doesn't bat an eye. People walk off with her, where she can't see me, and she just doesn't seem to care. To this day, I have never seen her look around for mommy.
My parents are in town from Indonesia for our next kiddo, and they are astounded at how good with strangers she is. I told mom that she doesn't care in the slightest if I'm around, and the first time, she said, "Oh, it may seem that way, but it's not like that." I think she's changed her mind in the last 3 days she's been here. Alaise wakes up in the morning, and doesn't look for me or anything. No matter who goes into the room to get her, she's happy as a clam. She doesn't give a second thought about where her mommy might be. I always said jokingly that she would be happy no matter who she was with, as long as someone was feeding her. I'm starting to believe that it's completely and utterly true. I am beginning to believe that if she was kidnapped, she wouldn't give me a second thought.
Now, to everyone, this seems like a wonderful thing. Here's a kid, who is really well adjusted, easy to take care of no matter who is with her, especially with a second baby coming so soon. A girl who smiles at everyone, that they can't help but love her. She is so lovable. They all think it makes my life a whole lot easier. And it does sometimes. (Except when I'm worried that someone will kidnap her...) But seriously, my heart literally aches when she shows absolutely no preference for me. I sometimes feel like I will break down in tears when I watch her go away in someone else's arms without a second glance at me. It's absolutely frustrating and depressing when I come back from being away for 2+ hours while she's being babysat by her grandparents, and when I walk in the room, instead of a "ooh, here's mommy!" kind of smile/reaction, she glances up at me, and keeps playing with whatever toy she was occupied with. Like she didn't miss me, not even a little bit. Not even a smidge. It chips away at my joy and confidence as a mother. It makes me want to just curl up in bed, and not look at her all day long, and see how she feels about it.
I feel so REPLACEABLE. I never thought I'd feel that way as a mom. I thought as a mom, I would feel like I was irreplaceable to my baby. I thought I WOULD be irreplaceable. I thought my baby would depend on me for comfort. I thought she would need my cuddles and hugs. I thought she would want me and need me. I thought she would be sad to be away from me, and to see me walk through that garage door and disappear. Instead, I feel like I'm just a person who feeds her the most, and that's about all I am to her. Don't get me wrong. I love her so so dearly and I adore her. But sometimes... I feel like she doesn't reciprocate the feelings, not at all. And that makes me feel completely selfish. A very selfish mom. I mean, seriously, what kind of a mom feels this way??
But alas. No matter what it makes me, I can't change how I feel.
I wonder if this is a fraction of what God feels, when we neglect him for anything and everything else.
2 years ago
2 comments:
I think I might have been a baby like that, too.. at least according to my mom and my grandmas.
The fact that you are aware of it is good, I think. Because in my case, my parents were really busy and because I was never fussing up about anything, it was real easy for them to become.. somewhat negligent, I guess? And as I grew up I learned to not bother my parents, partly because I was the older child, partly because I felt that I was a burden on them, and just kept pretending (well back then I believed) that everything was hunkydory. The result is.. my parents don't know me and I don't know them and there isn't much of a bond between me and my parents.
So, while you may feel 섭섭해 now for Alaise not seeming to think you're special, just keep being there for her, pay attention to her, let her know that you love her no matter what and that you accept her for who she is. I think eventually she'll learn what a special mom you are.
지금 와서 내가 우리 엄마를 원망하는 건 아니지만, 옛날 생각을 하면 너무 서러울 때가 있어. 하지만 어느 정도는 내가 자초한 일일 테지. 하지만 아기일 때는 아무 것도 모르고 그러는 거잖아. 그러니까 언니는 아기가 보채는게 없다고 안심하지 말고 오히려 더 신경을 써줘야 할 거야. 말 안 하고 속에 담아두는 자식이 오히려 나중에 가서 더 큰 사고를 칠 수 있거든. 아무리 그게 성격이더라도, 자꾸 말 시키고, 물어보고, 그러면 조금씩 open up 할 수 있을 테지. 내 경우엔 내가 엄마한테 내 속마음을 말했다가 너무 크게 데인 적이 너무 많아서 (even when I was just 4 years old) 내가 스스로 걸어잠그게 되었거든.
부디 Alaise는 나처럼 되지 않고 속과 겉이 모두 밝고 행복한 아이가 되길 바래.
Not to fear! There are 18+ years of you being irreplaceable to her in billions of circumstances!
Post a Comment