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I'm still working on the whole "baby story" blog.  It will be very very long.

In the meantime, I'm trying to recover physically and emotionally.  Kris and I have both needed emotional patching up really badly.  The whole experience has been traumatic for us, and the wound is very raw still. I find myself tearing up for no good reason during the day, especially when we start talking about anything related to the event of our boy's birth.  Or if I feel emotional at all...  Which could be hormones, too...  But we've talked a lot to each other, which really helps, especially when I feel like I'm being overly dramatic by saying stuff like "I almost died".  He understands how I'm feeling, and I'm so thankful to have a partner who is a good listener.

섭섭한 엄마

I couldn't come up with an English title for this blog post.  There is a word in Korean - it sort of means "disappointed"... but not quite.  I've had such a hard time explaining the nuance of the word to Kris for most of our marriage.  It's like...  the situations I come up with, the word "disappointed" fits, but it's just not quite right.  It's more subtle.  Anyway.

I feel like that these days, as Alaise is growing older.  She's always been a very very well adjusted baby.  She has never cried because of strangers, and she's never had separation anxiety.  (She cried once when I dropped her off at the nursery for MOPS, and she used to whine when she couldn't see me in the house, when she was like 4 months old.  That's about the extent of her anxiety.  Almost non-existent.)  She plays so well on her own - I leave her in the living room, wave her bye-bye, and walk into the garage to grab something, and there is not a slightest hint of insecurity.  She smiles at anyone and everyone, and when strangers come up and touch her, or coo at her, or even stretch their arms out, she smiles, laughs, and reaches out her arms to be hugged.

One of our Chinese restaurants we go to, the owner lady picked her up last time, walked around with her taking orders, and Alaise was totally fine. She cooed at all the customers in her arms.  When we go to our Friday church group, she gets held by everyone and she doesn't bat an eye.  People walk off with her, where she can't see me, and she just doesn't seem to care.  To this day, I have never seen her look around for mommy.

My parents are in town from Indonesia for our next kiddo, and they are astounded at how good with strangers she is.  I told mom that she doesn't care in the slightest if I'm around, and the first time, she said, "Oh, it may seem that way, but it's not like that."  I think she's changed her mind in the last 3 days she's been here.  Alaise wakes up in the morning, and doesn't look for me or anything.  No matter who goes into the room to get her, she's happy as a clam.  She doesn't give a second thought about where her mommy might be.  I always said jokingly that she would be happy no matter who she was with, as long as someone was feeding her.  I'm starting to believe that it's completely and utterly true.  I am beginning to believe that if she was kidnapped, she wouldn't give me a second thought.

Now, to everyone, this seems like a wonderful thing.  Here's a kid, who is really well adjusted, easy to take care of no matter who is with her, especially with a second baby coming so soon.  A girl who smiles at everyone, that they can't help but love her.  She is so lovable.  They all think it makes my life a whole lot easier.  And it does sometimes.  (Except when I'm worried that someone will kidnap her...)  But seriously, my heart literally aches when she shows absolutely no preference for me.  I sometimes feel like I will break down in tears when I watch her go away in someone else's arms without a second glance at me.  It's absolutely frustrating and depressing when I come back from being away for 2+ hours while she's being babysat by her grandparents, and when I walk in the room, instead of a "ooh, here's mommy!" kind of smile/reaction, she glances up at me, and keeps playing with whatever toy she was occupied with.  Like she didn't miss me, not even a little bit.  Not even a smidge.  It chips away at my joy and confidence as a mother.  It makes me want to just curl up in bed, and not look at her all day long, and see how she feels about it.

I feel so REPLACEABLE.  I never thought I'd feel that way as a mom.  I thought as a mom, I would feel like I was irreplaceable to my baby.  I thought I WOULD be irreplaceable.  I thought my baby would depend on me for comfort.  I thought she would need my cuddles and hugs.  I thought she would want me and need me.  I thought she would be sad to be away from me, and to see me walk through that garage door and disappear.  Instead, I feel like I'm just a person who feeds her the most, and that's about all I am to her.  Don't get me wrong.  I love her so so dearly and I adore her.  But sometimes...  I feel like she doesn't reciprocate the feelings, not at all.  And that makes me feel completely selfish.  A very selfish mom.  I mean, seriously, what kind of a mom feels this way??

But alas.  No matter what it makes me, I can't change how I feel.

I wonder if this is a fraction of what God feels, when we neglect him for anything and everything else.

it's drawing near...

Yep, the time is drawing near.  My mom & dad are going to be here in less than 24 hours.  Kris and I have been trying to the house "ready", although most of it is tidying & cleaning up that we needed to get done anyway.  It's just my mom, I really don't care if the house isn't super clean and/or neat.  She knows me. :D

I'm also trying to get some food ready, so when they get here, none of us have to worry too much about cooking for a couple days.  Making beef stock for some Korean soups, marinating ribs so they can just be tossed on the stove and simmer, kimchi, so my parents can taste my first home-made kimchi.  I hope they won't think it's really gross.

I have less than two weeks till the little guy comes!  It's crazy.  This past weekend was our last weekend just the three of us...  So we got Kris' parents to babysit and went out on a short date.  Dinner & tea at our favorite tea place.  It's an amazing thing, to be able to eat a whole meal & drink tea taking my time, without having to feed a very demanding (and greedy!) little person.  Usually, it's one bite for Alaise, one bite for mommy, one bite for Alaise, one bite for mommy...  So it was a refreshing change to feed just me.  (gasp!) 

And we just chilled at our tea place, drinking a ginormous cup of green tea lattes.  It is SO GOOD.  It's called All About Cha - a Korean chain, actually.  I know.  A Korean chain in Oklahoma??  And it was apparently the first one to open in America.  I love the environment, the price is about the same as Starbucks, and being tea lovers, we think the drinks are so much better there.  Any green tea drinks are amazing, and their Royal Black Chai?  To die for.  Seriously.

Anyway.  Gotta go finish cooking. And tonight, we're in for our last little bit of cleaning.  Or, not so little...

seriously.

Seriously.  I love my husband.  Seriously.

dinner!

Cooking & cleaning the kitchen has become SUCH a chore.  I can hardly manage cooking one meal a day.

Tonight makes 2 dinners in a row that I actually cooked.  Wow.

bye bye, Max

We gave our kitty away today.  I admit, he was more of a bother to me as of late, but we've had him since he was a tiny little kitten, and I really really hope he will work out with the new owner.  He seems like a really nice guy, he's a college student but seemed very responsible and mature.  He even brought his own pet carrier.  Max does really well with grown-ups, so I really hope he'll be happy there, with the new owner and his roommate.  We haven't been able to give him what he needed for a long long time...  We've felt bad for keeping him out in the porch all alone all the time, without human affection or interaction.  But I just could NOT handle cat fur everywhere, especially when Alaise touches everything.  I did not have the patience or the stamina to keep up with the cat, making sure he didn't get in the toilet, chew toilet paper, or making sure he didn't get on our bed or in the nursery...  Making sure all the doors were shut, especially when Alaise was napping... (and the fact that if I shut the door, I couldn't peak in to check on her without waking her.)  Just couldn't do it any longer.

I really really hope he'll be happy, and he'll make his humans happy.

(And I really hope I won't be getting another email saying "This isn't working out, please take him back."  Cuz, the second baby is coming any day now, and my parents are coming, and we need to get the back room all cleaned up.  We just can't take him back again.  Seriously.)

God's good

For a long time, I've felt like God just didn't give our little family a break.  For reasons that are complicated and personal (obviously), I've often felt bitter and resentful.

I really feel like God's humbling me by being so good to us lately.  Everything in His timing.

He's providing for us.

We are welcoming another little person soon.

We are raising an amazing, most adorable baby girl, who plays well, eats well, sleeps well, and is very healthy.  (And poops on the toilet most of the time!)

AND it looks like He's found us a place for Max.

Thank you, God.