hubby

Experiencing what I've experienced in the last couple of months, I feel like I need to give my husband some spotlight.  He deserves a little (actually, a big) pat on his back...

Once some years ago, I had to watch my dad almost die.  It was when we were visiting Indonesia, and the last night we were there, he had a severe asthma attack, went to the hospital, and wasn't breathing, etc...  I thought I'd have to stay for the funeral.  Having watched something like that, I can imagine, to a certain extent, how Kris must have felt, being by my side while I was bleeding out.

The first time around, I was out on anesthesia for several hours, so I wasn't aware of what was happening.  (Ketamine...  I hate you.)  But my husband, he had to hold our brand new baby, hoping  everything was okay.  He had to wait over two hours, when he was told that the procedure was going to be 15-20 minutes.  He had to hold my hand while I was blubbering Lord knows what in my anesthesia.  When I was coming around, the first thing I remember is his voice.  He was holding my hand, praying.  I thought he was crying.  I remember desperately wanting to say something to let him know I was here.

This time around, it's a different story.  I was awake for most of it...  And since I didn't go into surgery, Kris was by my side the whole time, experiencing the whole ordeal with me.  He was calm, (although I'm sure he wasn't) and didn't panic.  When I thought I might die, he didn't freak out.  He was such a huge huge strength to me, and his presence and reassurances were so very...  well, reassuring.  (duh.)  He took care of me, and my family, and my babies while I couldn't.  When I needed to rehash the experience to have some closure, he didn't back away.  He was open to talking, and listening.  He's always been such a good listener.  He shed tears with me.  He was vulnerable.  We hurt together, and we healed together.

When we came home, we both suffered through some amount of emotional healing.  We were both very stressed.  I have never seen my husband so short tempered as those days.  He's usually very patient, but all the stress I think was affecting him.  But even during then, he was willing to talk, and was honest about everything that was going on.  And he took care of me still, fetching me medicine, water, or anything I needed.  He kept on telling me that he wanted me to heal.

He's been SO patient with me during my healing process.  I had to heal not only physically, but also emotionally/mentally.  He's been so supportive, and I know I can always depend on him.

All that to say...  I married my bestest friend.  I knew he was going to be a great husband, and a wonderful father to my children.  Going through these kinds of experiences together has brought us closer than ever, and he has been so steadfast throughout it all.  He deserves so much credit in where our marriage is today.  He's not a perfect human being for sure.  But he is perfect FOR ME.  God truly knew what he was doing when he paired us together.

More often than not, before we fall asleep, this is how it goes:

Kris:  Wake me up if you need anything.  ANYTHING.
Ju:  I will.
Kris:  Promise?
Ju:  Promise.

It's been that way from the very beginning.  And the thing is?  I know he means it every time.

I love you babe.  You're my soul mate.  Truly.  And thanks for being there for me always.  And sorry for making you go through tough times.  You are my hero.

what does that mean?

So, what does our delivery experience mean??

1. There is something wrong with me.  The bleeding didn't happen twice for no reason.  They think there is something wrong with my blood.  I've been recommended to see a hematologist, to find out what may be wrong...  If I do have a clotting disorder of some kind, we need to know, in case of accidents where I am bleeding a lot, or major surgeries I may need in the future.
   
2. Chances are, we can't have more children...  We grieved when we found this out, and we still do.  We talked about this before we had Kai - "Hey, what if we just have two?  They'll be close in age and grow up together, and we'll be done!"  But now that I'm faced with the fact that we probably won't have any more kids, I realize I did want one more.  But Kris (& I do too) feels like the risk is just too high.  I don't think we're willing to risk me dying to have another baby.  It breaks my heart.  So, unless the hematologist can tell us that he can reduce the risk significantly, I guess we'll just be having two children.
   
3. It really... "renewed" the bond Kris and I have.  We've gotten SO close the past couple of weeks.  We can hardly be apart for very long, and it's a good thing he's working from home!  I think the experience reminded us of what we have, and it helped us appreciate it so much.  Emotionally, I think Kris was maybe more traumatized than me, as he had to watch me "almost die" twice now.  He's been such a wonderful, wonderful husband.  (more on that later, I'm sure.)

I'm sure there are more implications...  But those are what comes to me immediately.  It seems like my life got shaken around, and now I need to find out where everything landed. 

seriously.

Seriously.  I love my husband.  Seriously.