when life doesn't go your way

Today someone asked me, "How are you managing your two kids?  Are you thinking of a third?  Or is it too early?"  It was a little awkward, as I had to tell her, "Oh, we can't have any more.  We've been recommended by my OB not to have any more kids."  And then had to explain briefly what had happened.

Kris and I had just had a discussion yesterday about this very matter.  The hematologist that I went to see on Wednesday said that if we wanted more kids, we should see a high risk OB...  Someone who deals with this kind of stuff on a regular basis, to see if they would have an idea of what might have happened to me, and maybe would know how to manage it.  Kris is definitely against having another kiddo.  The thought of losing me is terribly traumatic for him.  Me?  Well.  I think I'm used to the idea of being done.  But I look at our two kids, and sometimes ache for one more.  I always wanted "at least three, maybe four".  The thought of not having a newborn babe of mine to hold again is...  Difficult.

At the same time, I'm not sure if I'm willing to put myself at risk again to have another baby.  I have a husband & two babies whom I absolutely love and adore.  They need me.  It just doesn't make sense to put all that at risk, just to have another.  What would be the point if I died?  I feel like even if I go see a high risk OB, the best they could do would be to try to control the bleeding, not prevent it.  (as I'm pretty sure it will happen again if I deliver a baby.)  What if I go into DIC again?  There is just no telling.  Logically, I know all of this.  But it is still so hard for me to say, "Okay, I'm done.  Go get snipped." to my husband.

Since we've shared our story with people, I've had several people tell me (including my mother-in-law) that I can always adopt if I really want more children.  To be brutally honest, this is SO not helpful...  Especially when we're still in pain & grieving.  The point of it isn't that I want just any baby.  The point of it is that I can't have OUR baby that I want.  Not to say that once I've healed a bit more, I won't consider adoption.  But this probably isn't something you should say to someone who just found out they can't have any more kids.  It reminds me of a blog that I read about infertility, and she lists this as something that you should not say to someone who is going through infertility.  (if interested, read about it HERE.)

I didn't realize how much grieving I would need to do about this issue.  I know I have a boy and a girl, and I got "lucky".  I know I have two beautiful kids.  But I still grieve for another baby that I wanted.  I grieve for my children, who won't have another sibling to play & fight & grow up with.  I grieve that I won't have a bigger family when we get older.  It hurts my heart to watch grandma & grandpa Vanderwater beam at their 4 children and all the grandkids, because I know my clan will be much smaller.

But sometimes, when life doesn't go your way, you take what you got and move on.  I am incredibly blessed to have had two beautiful & amazing babies.  I know there are people who can't.  (I was afraid of this at one point in my life too - it took us a long time to get pregnant the first time...)  I have to believe that God has his hands on our lives, and have faith that what we have is for the best.  Just as He knew that Kris was the person for me and led us together, He brought Alaise and Kai to us.  And the four of us will make do for now.

normal!

Apparently my blood-stuff levels are all back to normal.  My OB thinks that's pretty shocking, I think she expected me to take longer to "heal".   Frankly, so did I...  I thought maybe my RBC count would be lower than normal, and I'd have to take more iron.  But maybe not.

I will be making an appointment with the hematologist soon.  Maybe he'll have some answers to my abnormalities.  Dr. Eisenhauer (the aforementioned OB) told me last Friday, on my last post partum checkup, that she hasn't really even heard of what I went through the first time, let alone see/experience it twice.  Apparently post partum hemorrhage, which I thought was what I went through, generally happens right after you deliver the baby.  In my case, both times, I delivered, was fine, and 2-3 hours later, bleed out uncontrollably.  Her best guess is that the problem is with some kind of later-working clot factors.

She also offered grief counseling...  She thought she should have mentioned it earlier, but we just seemed "strong and put-together", that she didn't think of it sooner.  I don't feel strong and put-together sometimes...  And Kris and I still get pretty emotional about it.  Dr. E said that it was a very traumatic experience for her as well, and that it would be more so for me.  I don't know...  When do you know you need grief counseling?  We've definitely grieved, especially over the fact that we most likely won't have any more babies.  We've cried over what happened & what may have happened.  Maybe the fact that I'm not sure about it means I need counseling?  I don't know.

Anyway.  The blood test results at least make me feel like a normal person once again.