my leg-clinger

So, I blogged about my ever so independent daughter here.  It was my mom's opinion that once we had a little baby around, she would be more possessive of me, because of jealousy.  One of my friends who studied psychology extensively said that separation anxiety was tied to some extent to walking/mobility.  It was nature's (?) way of keeping the baby who is no mobile close to the mom.  Her theory was that once Alaise started walking, she would also start displaying more attachment.  (I was very skeptical of both opinions at the time.)

Well, now we have a leg-clinger in the house.  :D Alaise has been hanging out with me more and more lately - when I'm in the kitchen working, she will hang out in the kitchen and play with measuring cups & spoons I give her.  When I go into the bedroom, she stands next to the barrier we have set up and beats on it, waiting for me.  But this past weekend while we were in Dallas, she started clinging to our legs.  I don't know if she saw Olivia (Kris' uncle's daughter who is about 4 months older than Alaise) do it, but she especially started clinging to Kris' legs, not letting go.  SERIOUSLY CUTE.  And now we're home, she's been doing it to me to.  I LOVE IT.  She'll "run" (which is cute in itself, as she still doesn't have perfect balance, and she "runs" like a penguin) to me into the kitchen or anywhere she spots me, and will wrap her arms around my legs, and not let go.  It absolutely melts my heart!

I feel all that I wanted to feel months ago.  I feel needed.  I feel like I'm special to my little one whom I love.  I feel like she depends on me.  I feel LOVED.  I never thought how special & rewarding it would be to have my own little leg-clinger.

P.S. Contrary to my mother's concerns, I haven't seen jealousy toward baby Kai.  Lacey pats his head & gives him kisses, pats his back when I burp him, wipes his mouth with his bib or a burp cloth, and wants to give him the paci when he's crying.  She does make him cry at times - but it's because she'll "give" (aka. throw) him books & toys. :)

shards of my heart

Kris and I talk about a lot of things.  I can proudly say we are very transparent in our relationship, and we talk about everything, from past relationships to naughty dreams. :)  He always makes me feel like I can talk to him about whatever I want and need without being afraid of what may happen, or what he may think/say.  It's always been that way, from day 1 with him...  And I love him dearly for it.

But one thing that is really hard to talk about for both of us, is what happened to me.  Not to be overly dramatic, but ever since the birth, it's been so easy for me to dwell on "what if"s.  What if I had died?  Then what would have happened?  It's hard to talk about it, maybe because of how close we really did come to that possibility.  I hate to seem like I'm dwelling on it - but I can't really help it (not yet, anyway)...  A ton of the emotions & thoughts these days are tied to it.  (I can't believe it's only been two months.)

A thought that broke my heart into a million pieces is the fact that if I had died, I was going to leave Alaise.  My little girl who is only a year old.  My little girl whom I love so dearly.  My little girl whose needs I've attended to since the moment she was born.  What is worse, is to think that this little person whom I loved so much every second of her life would not remember me.  In my selfishness, (and unnecessary thoughts) it made me so sad that my baby would not remember the person who loved her most.  (well, aside from her daddy, of course...)  That all the love I had for her wouldn't really exist in her memories.

One of Kris' friends, L, got married several years ago, to a really nice guy who had a little boy.  His wife died of cancer, so I was really glad to hear that he had found L.  I don't know them well, and most of what I hear is from other people (mostly Kris' mom) and Facebook, but one thing I see is that she really accepted him and loves him as her child.  He is 9 years old, so chances are, he really loves L as his mom, as it should be.  But it is also sad to me to think that he most likely doesn't have many memories of his birth mom, who probably loved him to bits.

It's life, I know.  Humans grow and it's natural for all of us not to remember our days as infants.  And of course, if I really had died, I wouldn't care that Alaise wouldn't remember me, cuz, well, I would be dead.  But it's still a heartbreaking thought - that the greatest love I had for someone wouldn't be remembered.

bye bye bottle

So we started weaning Alaise off of her bottles today.  Pediatrician told me last Friday (along with 4 shots and a finger prick...  "Boo", in Kris' words) that I need to start doing that, since they get very resistant to weaning after 15 months.  I haven't been too worried about the bottles & pacis till now, as she drinks her water from a straw sippy cups already, and she only uses her paci in her crib when she sleeps.  She's been taking her whole milk in her bottles still.

I started giving her her milk in her straw cup today...  She makes weird face at it once she tastes it - like "Mm, what happened?  This isn't water..."  And she didn't drink as much milk as she would normally.  Tonight she was very fussy going down, which is very unusual, and I wondered if it's because she didn't get her bottle.

I think I am more sad about this weaning.  I feel like this is the last of her babyhood...  Like once she doesn't take her bottles anymore, she really isn't my little baby anymore.  She'll officially be a toddler.  It's really really sad.  I didn't feel this way when I quit breastfeeding, maybe because I hated breastfeeding so much.  But the bottles...  They allow me to cuddle with my girl, (who never ever wants to cuddle) even just for a little, while she contently sucks on the them.  They allow her to be my baby.  Sippy cups just aren't the same.

But I guess motherhood is about letting go sometimes.  It's hard, but I've gotta learn it somehow...

섭섭한 엄마

I couldn't come up with an English title for this blog post.  There is a word in Korean - it sort of means "disappointed"... but not quite.  I've had such a hard time explaining the nuance of the word to Kris for most of our marriage.  It's like...  the situations I come up with, the word "disappointed" fits, but it's just not quite right.  It's more subtle.  Anyway.

I feel like that these days, as Alaise is growing older.  She's always been a very very well adjusted baby.  She has never cried because of strangers, and she's never had separation anxiety.  (She cried once when I dropped her off at the nursery for MOPS, and she used to whine when she couldn't see me in the house, when she was like 4 months old.  That's about the extent of her anxiety.  Almost non-existent.)  She plays so well on her own - I leave her in the living room, wave her bye-bye, and walk into the garage to grab something, and there is not a slightest hint of insecurity.  She smiles at anyone and everyone, and when strangers come up and touch her, or coo at her, or even stretch their arms out, she smiles, laughs, and reaches out her arms to be hugged.

One of our Chinese restaurants we go to, the owner lady picked her up last time, walked around with her taking orders, and Alaise was totally fine. She cooed at all the customers in her arms.  When we go to our Friday church group, she gets held by everyone and she doesn't bat an eye.  People walk off with her, where she can't see me, and she just doesn't seem to care.  To this day, I have never seen her look around for mommy.

My parents are in town from Indonesia for our next kiddo, and they are astounded at how good with strangers she is.  I told mom that she doesn't care in the slightest if I'm around, and the first time, she said, "Oh, it may seem that way, but it's not like that."  I think she's changed her mind in the last 3 days she's been here.  Alaise wakes up in the morning, and doesn't look for me or anything.  No matter who goes into the room to get her, she's happy as a clam.  She doesn't give a second thought about where her mommy might be.  I always said jokingly that she would be happy no matter who she was with, as long as someone was feeding her.  I'm starting to believe that it's completely and utterly true.  I am beginning to believe that if she was kidnapped, she wouldn't give me a second thought.

Now, to everyone, this seems like a wonderful thing.  Here's a kid, who is really well adjusted, easy to take care of no matter who is with her, especially with a second baby coming so soon.  A girl who smiles at everyone, that they can't help but love her.  She is so lovable.  They all think it makes my life a whole lot easier.  And it does sometimes.  (Except when I'm worried that someone will kidnap her...)  But seriously, my heart literally aches when she shows absolutely no preference for me.  I sometimes feel like I will break down in tears when I watch her go away in someone else's arms without a second glance at me.  It's absolutely frustrating and depressing when I come back from being away for 2+ hours while she's being babysat by her grandparents, and when I walk in the room, instead of a "ooh, here's mommy!" kind of smile/reaction, she glances up at me, and keeps playing with whatever toy she was occupied with.  Like she didn't miss me, not even a little bit.  Not even a smidge.  It chips away at my joy and confidence as a mother.  It makes me want to just curl up in bed, and not look at her all day long, and see how she feels about it.

I feel so REPLACEABLE.  I never thought I'd feel that way as a mom.  I thought as a mom, I would feel like I was irreplaceable to my baby.  I thought I WOULD be irreplaceable.  I thought my baby would depend on me for comfort.  I thought she would need my cuddles and hugs.  I thought she would want me and need me.  I thought she would be sad to be away from me, and to see me walk through that garage door and disappear.  Instead, I feel like I'm just a person who feeds her the most, and that's about all I am to her.  Don't get me wrong.  I love her so so dearly and I adore her.  But sometimes...  I feel like she doesn't reciprocate the feelings, not at all.  And that makes me feel completely selfish.  A very selfish mom.  I mean, seriously, what kind of a mom feels this way??

But alas.  No matter what it makes me, I can't change how I feel.

I wonder if this is a fraction of what God feels, when we neglect him for anything and everything else.

birthday weekend

So, yesterday was Alaise's first birthday.  I'm proud to say (for no real good reason), I didn't cry. :)  I didn't want to start down that path and feel ick all day long.  I fixed her seaweed soup for lunch, and we had a small birthday meal.  And dinner was at WHAM, our church group.  She was such a happy girl...  She's always been very social, and she loves being around new people.  She was being so cute all night long.

Anyway.  Today will be a full day, although I've had some down time already.  Went to Sam's this morning to grab some finger foods for the party tomorrow.  They always have decent frozen stuff.  I didn't end up buying cheesecakes...  But for my hubby, I did buy the Eclaires.  He loves those. :D

I've already baked 2 batches of cupcakes - white cupcakes & coconut cupcakes.  The coconut cupcakes are very yummy, but not very coconut-y.  I'm debating whether to just frost it with regular frosting, or go ahead and make cream cheese frosting and top it with coconut...  The rest of the day will consist of: (if my hubby gets around to coming back from his morning session at the office)

*Bake chocolate zucchini cupcakes
*Make 2 breakfast casseroles
*Make 1 bread pudding
*Make frosting
*Possibly transport all we can to IL's house, where the party will be

Tomorrow morning:
*Frost cupcakes (this may need to be done tonight...  I'm just not sure how much in advance I can frost cookies!)
*Make fruit salad
*Pop the casseroles, bread pudding, and Sam's frozen appetizers in the oven at IL's.

It doesn't seem like much...  But I am mentally and emotionally overwhelmed.  Oh, and I want to wrap and/or take pictures of some of the gifts I got her for her birthday too.  Kris says he wants to get her something from "daddy"...  But I don't know if that's going to happen.

How is my little Lacey Bug already 1 year old?  Really??  How did that happen???

nostalgia isn't always good

I'm really not that good at keeping up a blog, even though I really want to.  And I already have a blog that I used to write in - the one my husband created in Drupal for our family.  But as much as I feel like a traitor to be blogging here (sorry, Drupal...), I find that sometimes, I need my own space.  Maybe some place where I can mess with the template, depending on my mood.  Maybe some place, that's more... anonymous, as no one knows I'm blogging here.  Anyway.  As tomorrow is my daughter's first birthday, I felt the urge to "vent" somewhere.

I find myself in less than excited mood today.  It seems like I should be literally bubbling up inside, with excitement and joy of seeing my daughter grow up, turning one year old.  364 days have gone by since she came out into this world, into our family.  And for some reason, I'm just not excited.  All I want to do is curl up and cry.  Which makes me feel like a bad mother.  ::sigh::

Kris thinks maybe it's me worrying about time flying by too fast?  Maybe.  It really has flown by fast.  Every day, when Alaise does something new...  Or something cute...  Pretty much anything, really -- even simple smiles just don't get old -- my heart bursts with joy.  But tomorrow, I'm dreading tomorrow.  I don't know why.

And as I re-visit last year's ordeal, anxiety grows.  My delivery experience was less than desirable, and sometimes, visiting the past fills me with tainted color of some sort...  Somehow it pollutes everything.  I think it's creeping into what should be a joyous occasion for me, tainting it with anxiety and dread.  What bothers me more sometimes is the fact that I can't remember a lot of it.  I always have to ask Kris what happened, and if he can't remember, well, it's a hole in my memory.

It's bedtime, and I still have soup cooking on the stove.  I'm making seaweed soup for tomorrow, to make sure Alaise gets to eat a piece of my tradition to celebrate her first birthday.  After eating the soup at the hospital, it really does mean a lot more to me.  It's the soup that gave me comfort & nourishment, and it's the soup that gave my mother comfort & nourishment after she had me.  So we'll eat seaweed soup tomorrow, and celebrate the day she came into our arms.  And hopefully, I won't break down in tears as I watch her get her first taste of my soup.

Alaise's photo samples