random thoughts

*It's a weird feeling, to be playing computer games with my husband, my brother, and his friends.  I feel very out of place & old.  But still fun.  (And to be hearing Mr. Wickham's voice through Eric's microphone on Skype.)
*I get tired of eating out so much.  Kris' parents eat out a lot, and I think I'd much rather cook for us and eat at the house, than eat out all the time.  I get worried that Alaise is getting more and more used to salty & fried foods.
*I never thought I'd love nursing.  I still don't, really.  But one time during the day, I do love - around midnight, when I dream feed Kai before I go to bed.  I love that he's mostly asleep, curled up, not getting distracted by anything and everything.  I cherish being able to just look at him, and enjoy his small-ness that will not last very much longer.
*Speaking of nursing, I never thought I'd be nursing full time at 5 months.  Praise the Lord.
*Speaking of the Lord, we are going to dedicate our babies at church on Mother's Day.  I'm really excited.  Although it seems to be an "American church" thing, I read a short documentation that our pastor wrote up, and I really like his view on it.  And even if it is just a church-y thing, I'm excited to participate in it.
*I am SO unmotivated to do house work these days.  Being a clean & tidy wife is so unmotivating...  Dishes will be there tomorrow, whether I do them today or not.  Same thing is true with all the chores.  I put it off, and put it off.  How do some women keep their house clean & tidy 24/7?  I just can't seem to.  I'd much rather enjoy my (luke warm at best) coffee and a show on Hulu...  I guess that makes me a lazy wife.
*I love my husband.  This October will be our 10 year anniversary of being together, and he still makes my heart warm & fuzzy.  And he's willing to do painful things for me.  It was heartbreaking to see him in pain.
*I never realized how big a year and a half olds were.  I thought kids Lacey's age were like...  Three.  She's grown so much, it's insane.
*I can't seem to get my Genovese basil to grow very well in a pot.  The sweet basil, on the other hand, seems to be doing better.  My cucumber plant totally wilted and died without sprouting a single new leaf.  The tomatoes seem to be flourishing.  Not too much success with the grass seeds.  Lavender doesn't seem to be doing too well either...  I'm thinking it needs a bigger pot.
*We cleaned up our sun room and WE LOVEEEE IT.  LOVE IT.  LOVE IT.
*I wish we could turn off AF when we're done having kids.  It's very inconvenient.
*Speaking of, I think it is slightly unfair that AF came back so quickly.  So much for breastfeeding delaying fertility.  I'm not so lucky.
*I definitely think the birth certificate for Obama is relevant.  But not to a point of sending out emails about the serial number of it and stuff.  It's just not going to make a difference at this point, one way or another.  I'm tired of hearing about it.  (They talk about it on The View almost every single morning, for Pete's sake.)
*I am super excited about our first Farmer's market trip this Saturday.  Maybe they will have  yummy blueberries.  Alaise LOVES blueberries.
*Milano cookies - I adore you.
*Purchased leggings for the first time.  We'll see how they fare.  On that note, I'm needing new jeans.  SMALLER jeans. :D  My size 8s are too big anymore to look nice.

turning point

As I sit here, my daughter is playing in the room, teasing, and being teased in return.  I love to find new things that make her laugh each day.

I haven't blogged in about two months...  When I was blogging at first, I had SO many things I wanted to put down in words.  I think it was cathartic, with all the different things that were going on.  Putting random thoughts into words helped me get my thoughts in order, and to some extent, give things closure.  Then I got burned out, I think.  Especially since I've been mulling over one issue for weeks now, and I sort of got tired of writing & just thinking in general.

Sometimes, you think about something so much, you just don't want to think about it any longer.  I was so tired of thinking about children  & pregnancies.   I just wanted us to make a decision and be done with it.  I've struggled with making a decision for weeks, because I had a distinct feeling that we weren't done.  Our family wasn't complete.  But for me, (and Kris) the decision to get pregnant again is something I can't consciously make.  Knowing that it might put my life in danger, and leave my wonderful family behind, it's not a decision I can make.  So the only decision I could make was to be done with having babies.  This really hurt me, and I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that we weren't done.

I didn't know how much grieving I would be doing over this.  The dream I had of my children having more than one sibling to depend on later in life, to play with, to BE with.  

But now, I'm finally at peace.  I believe that if we aren't in fact "done", God will do something about it.  Kris said to me, "God's bigger than our decision, and if He wants something, he'll do it regardless of what we decide."  So we'll move on with our lives with that in mind, and I feel so much better, having made a decision.  I still think about it sometimes, but a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.  My stress level has gone down significantly, and I feel like I can move on with life.  I don't have to distract myself all day so I don't sit and think.  I'm free to think again!  :)

And now that I have other things to think about, I think I'll get back to writing down some thoughts.

when life doesn't go your way

Today someone asked me, "How are you managing your two kids?  Are you thinking of a third?  Or is it too early?"  It was a little awkward, as I had to tell her, "Oh, we can't have any more.  We've been recommended by my OB not to have any more kids."  And then had to explain briefly what had happened.

Kris and I had just had a discussion yesterday about this very matter.  The hematologist that I went to see on Wednesday said that if we wanted more kids, we should see a high risk OB...  Someone who deals with this kind of stuff on a regular basis, to see if they would have an idea of what might have happened to me, and maybe would know how to manage it.  Kris is definitely against having another kiddo.  The thought of losing me is terribly traumatic for him.  Me?  Well.  I think I'm used to the idea of being done.  But I look at our two kids, and sometimes ache for one more.  I always wanted "at least three, maybe four".  The thought of not having a newborn babe of mine to hold again is...  Difficult.

At the same time, I'm not sure if I'm willing to put myself at risk again to have another baby.  I have a husband & two babies whom I absolutely love and adore.  They need me.  It just doesn't make sense to put all that at risk, just to have another.  What would be the point if I died?  I feel like even if I go see a high risk OB, the best they could do would be to try to control the bleeding, not prevent it.  (as I'm pretty sure it will happen again if I deliver a baby.)  What if I go into DIC again?  There is just no telling.  Logically, I know all of this.  But it is still so hard for me to say, "Okay, I'm done.  Go get snipped." to my husband.

Since we've shared our story with people, I've had several people tell me (including my mother-in-law) that I can always adopt if I really want more children.  To be brutally honest, this is SO not helpful...  Especially when we're still in pain & grieving.  The point of it isn't that I want just any baby.  The point of it is that I can't have OUR baby that I want.  Not to say that once I've healed a bit more, I won't consider adoption.  But this probably isn't something you should say to someone who just found out they can't have any more kids.  It reminds me of a blog that I read about infertility, and she lists this as something that you should not say to someone who is going through infertility.  (if interested, read about it HERE.)

I didn't realize how much grieving I would need to do about this issue.  I know I have a boy and a girl, and I got "lucky".  I know I have two beautiful kids.  But I still grieve for another baby that I wanted.  I grieve for my children, who won't have another sibling to play & fight & grow up with.  I grieve that I won't have a bigger family when we get older.  It hurts my heart to watch grandma & grandpa Vanderwater beam at their 4 children and all the grandkids, because I know my clan will be much smaller.

But sometimes, when life doesn't go your way, you take what you got and move on.  I am incredibly blessed to have had two beautiful & amazing babies.  I know there are people who can't.  (I was afraid of this at one point in my life too - it took us a long time to get pregnant the first time...)  I have to believe that God has his hands on our lives, and have faith that what we have is for the best.  Just as He knew that Kris was the person for me and led us together, He brought Alaise and Kai to us.  And the four of us will make do for now.

Valentine's Day

So I think that America revolves around holidays and corresponding sales.  Thanksgiving sale!  Then Christmas.  New Years.  Martin Luther King Day.  Valentine's Day.  Easter.  Memorial Day.  Fourth of July.  Labor Day.  Halloween.  Then back again to Thanksgiving.  (With Columbus Day and President Day thrown in there somewhere, along with a couple more obscure holidays.)  Each major holiday comes with its own colored chocolates & candies, and all the stores are decorated in corresponding colors.  Car dealerships always seem to have ___ Day sale!  Come now! slogan on TV.  A country that revolves around consumerism thrives on special days.

Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day is just one of those days.  A day for people to get & sell more stuff.  When I was dating Kris, I especially felt this way.  Flowers & gifts & chocolate just seemed dumb.  Sure, special something was nice and probably expected, but it just seemed like an excuse for money to go around.

Now, I've been married almost 7 years.  We have two kids, and my feeling towards Valentine's Day has changed a little bit.  Sure, I still think that it's a day for people to spend & make money on stuff.  But when life gets busy with two kids and chores and work, a day to remember to do something special for each other isn't so bad.  A day to look forward to, doing a little on-line shopping for someone special to me.  A day to set aside for each other, and hear your husband say, "Don't put the roast on - I made a reservation."  To feel special in the midst of a busy and chaotic life.  To a couple with a baby & a toddler, Valentine's Day is a reason to make the day extra special for each other.

So thanks, babe, for making today extra special for me.  I love your gifts & thoughts.  And the sweet words & champagne.  Thanks for making me feel "one and only".  I love you.

garden spells

There are people who can't read fiction, because it's not real and they don't have time for what's not real.  (For example, my mother-in-law.  She only reads non-fiction books & only watches the news.)  There are people who can't read non-fiction, because it's too real and there's enough reality during the day.  (And I'm sure there are some in the middle ground...  maybe?)  I'm one of the latter, as is my husband.  We love fiction & fantasy.  Besides some self-help books & "religious" (don't know what else to call them) books, most of what we own is fiction.  (Most of Kris' books happen in the Star Wars universe...  And I'm pretty sure that's fictional.)

My favorite stories belong in the fantasy world.  Magic, dragons, elves and such.  (and yes, occasionally a ring that rules them all.)  I hope to write about some of my favorite worlds one of these days.  Anyway.

I'm excited about a new book coming out by Sarah Addison Allen...  The first book by her I read was Garden Spells - if you like light/easy read, with a little bit of cooking & magic & romance thrown in, you might really like it!  (I'm talking about you, Dana.)  I've read it several times, and I still love it.  I've read her other books as well - The Sugar Queen and The Girl Who Chased the Moon.  I didn't like the other two books as much as the first one though.  Her books have a hint of southern charm in them, along with cooking & baking.  It's almost as though you can smell powdered sugar and chocolate while reading them.  :)

Something about the interaction of the sisters in the book is very touching to me.  One is very reserved and "odd" by the world's standards, and the other is very outgoing and worldly.  They grow up in a small town where everybody knows everything about everyone, and reading their reactions to such life reminds me of the missionary community that I grew up in.  Teenagers react to such an environment very differently...  They may even dislike others who are different - I felt like people who made different choices were weird, or just plain irresponsible.  Sometimes, I felt like their grass was a whole bunch greener.  But in the end...  We're family.  Even though that seems so cliche - "brothers and sisters in Christ" - like it or not, it's true.  That's hard to remember for me, and yet, the reconciliation that takes place in the book reminds me that in the end, family matters.

good day, bad day

I'd love to get into a routine.  It seems like having a routine would make every day a little bit smoother, and life would be a bit easier.  For example:

**Ideal Start of a Day:
Not so long ago, I woke up early at 7:30am with Kris' alarm.  I felt refreshed, and the kids weren't up yet, so I went and got myself a cup of hot coffee, and sat down and started watching The Bachelor episode I had missed the day before.  (I know, a frivolous way to spend a free morning, but really, there's nothing like a good cat fight and drama to indulge in sometimes.)  I was more than half way through the episode and was done with the coffee (while it was still hot!  ZOMG!) before Alaise started stirring.  It was an awesome way to start a morning, just a bit of time to myself.

However, it's rare that I wake up at 7:30am refreshed, especially since Kai almost always wakes up between around 7:00am to nurse.  I usually crawl back into bed after he's done and try to doze another hour or so, if I'm lucky.  So I would like to compromise with a good day.  For example:

**Good Day:
Yesterday was the first day I felt good since we caught the stomach bug.  I woke up feeling much better, and Alaise and I had breakfast.  (It's helpful for Kai to sleep a bit longer, it gives me time to change & feed Lacey.)  Kai woke up about 30 minutes after that.  They were both in a really good mood - so I started on some chores that was backed up from being sick.  They both went down for a nap at the same time (which happens when Lacey wakes up earlier), and slept for 2 hours at the same time.  (YESSS.)

After lunch, I had enough energy, so I cleaned the kitchen & Kai sat in the car seat watching me & Alaise followed me around, playing with kitchen utensils in the kitchen.  Around 3:30pm, I gave Kai a bath (I usually give kiddos baths at night, but he stunk like puke all morning and I couldn't stand it any longer.) and put both of them to nap.  Again, (!) they napped together, although Kai slept a lot longer.

Dinner & Bedtime and then mommy & daddy time.  A good day.

Now, I thought that once I had two kids, my days would look pretty similar.  Not so.  For example:

**Bad Day:
Today, I woke up really really tired, even though I got out of bed at 9:30am.  I couldn't fall asleep till 1:30am for some reason...  Then Alaise was up at 4am and would not go back to sleep for an hour.  And as I crawled back into bed at 5am, Kai woke up hungry.  He again woke up around 7:30am, and both of the woke up at 9:30am.  I could hardly crawl out of bed, as I felt like I was up all night long.  Since they Lacey woke up so late, she did not want her morning nap when I laid her down.  Kai napped only an hour at a time.  (mommy's plan to nap while they napped = epic fail) 

Lacey was fussy all through lunch because she was tired, and as she started her nap, Kai woke up from his.  Sometimes, he goes to nap again after about an hour of being awake, so I laid him down again, thinking that Lacey would stay asleep for about an hour since she didn't take her morning nap.  Mommy lays down to nap, and 10 minutes later, she's awake.

Seriously frustrating day, when the bad night's sleep starts off the day & their naps alternate.  I have no energy to get anything done, and when I do have some time, I don't want to clean the house - all I want to do is sit and browse the web.  And inevitably, on days like this, Kai only naps for an hour at a time, and both kids are very whiny all day long, and my patience runs very thin.
-----------------------------
One of the problems with setting a routine for me is that I have SUCH a hard time going to bed early.  After getting the kids to sleep between 8:30-9:00pm, all I want to do is spend time with Kris, doing adult activities.  (did that sound naughty?)  Watching our missed shows, playing games (gotta keep those StarCraft senses sharp), having adult conversations without kiddos.  The last thing I want to do is to cut this time short and go to bed.  It doesn't help that both Kris and I are night people - we have so much more energy at nights.

I tend to think that if I go to bed early, it will help me wake up early, allowing me an ideal start to the day, and get the kids up at the same time every morning, and set a good routine.  But it's so hard to do.  And on days like today, (a bad day) it's so tempting to be in bed by 10...  (Oh wait.  It's past midnight and I'm still up writing this blog.  Sigh.  Another failed attempt.) 

random thoughts

Some random thoughts of the day:

• Watching my daughter toddle into my arms with her arms spread wide as I squat down.  Priceless.  Seriously.
• Feeling my daughter's arms wrap around me as I pick her up from the above pricelessness.
• After being sick for nearly 4 days, the house is a completely and utter WRECK.
• It seems like as I try to tidy up the house, I look back, and whatever I tidied up gets untidy by Alaise who is following me around.  (Why do I bother?)
• Kai's head is full of round curls and it takes almost as much shampoo as what I'd use to wash.
• My son's smiles and occasional laughs make my heart want to explode with happiness.
• Being bathed in warm water and then getting a full body massage with nice smelling baby oil must be hard work, as Kai started fussing towards the end of it.  Obviously.
• Listening to my husband sing (rather loudly) while focused on his work makes me smile.
• Where does all this (enormous amount of) dust come from anyway???
• And OMG, I got a shower in today, and even washed my hair.
• I hope I won't have laundry full of poop & puke contaminated clothing for some time to come...

Now I'm going to finish my cup of coffee.  I'd really hate to nuke it AGAIN.

my leg-clinger

So, I blogged about my ever so independent daughter here.  It was my mom's opinion that once we had a little baby around, she would be more possessive of me, because of jealousy.  One of my friends who studied psychology extensively said that separation anxiety was tied to some extent to walking/mobility.  It was nature's (?) way of keeping the baby who is no mobile close to the mom.  Her theory was that once Alaise started walking, she would also start displaying more attachment.  (I was very skeptical of both opinions at the time.)

Well, now we have a leg-clinger in the house.  :D Alaise has been hanging out with me more and more lately - when I'm in the kitchen working, she will hang out in the kitchen and play with measuring cups & spoons I give her.  When I go into the bedroom, she stands next to the barrier we have set up and beats on it, waiting for me.  But this past weekend while we were in Dallas, she started clinging to our legs.  I don't know if she saw Olivia (Kris' uncle's daughter who is about 4 months older than Alaise) do it, but she especially started clinging to Kris' legs, not letting go.  SERIOUSLY CUTE.  And now we're home, she's been doing it to me to.  I LOVE IT.  She'll "run" (which is cute in itself, as she still doesn't have perfect balance, and she "runs" like a penguin) to me into the kitchen or anywhere she spots me, and will wrap her arms around my legs, and not let go.  It absolutely melts my heart!

I feel all that I wanted to feel months ago.  I feel needed.  I feel like I'm special to my little one whom I love.  I feel like she depends on me.  I feel LOVED.  I never thought how special & rewarding it would be to have my own little leg-clinger.

P.S. Contrary to my mother's concerns, I haven't seen jealousy toward baby Kai.  Lacey pats his head & gives him kisses, pats his back when I burp him, wipes his mouth with his bib or a burp cloth, and wants to give him the paci when he's crying.  She does make him cry at times - but it's because she'll "give" (aka. throw) him books & toys. :)

the more the merrier...

The more comments on a giveaway the merrier, isn't it?  Actually, probably not, as it decreases your chances of winning. :)  I really want another baby carrier, but I just don't want to spend the money, and I saw this blog was giving away a carrier that seems awesome, so I'm blogging about it.

http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2011/01/a-versatile-baby-carrier-chai-wrap-tai-giveaway.html/comment-page-13#comment-55088

breastfeeding

I admit, I hated breastfeeding.  (There is almost nothing else that makes me feel like a bad mother than saying that.)

With Alaise, breastfeeding was so full of frustration.  My milk came in late, partially due to all the blood loss.  The lactation consultant at the hospital suggest me try nursing her anyway, but if I needed to supplement with formula, to use a small tube that threaded into her mouth, so she would encourage milk supply to increase as she drank formula.  I HATED EVERY FEEDING TIME.  I would cry, and I was frustrated beyond reason.  I hated threading that stupid tube and poking my breast & her mouth.  It worked better with Kris' help, but he wasn't there at every feeding.  Sometimes it would get lose and loose suction, and I would have to thread it all over again.  (And I hated cleaning the dumb things...  syringe & tube & bottle.)  I almost switched over to formula on a daily basis.  Also, being afraid of nipple confusion, when I was fed up, we did finger feeding.  My supply did come in finally, but it was enough only for a month or so.  (And in March, I got pregnant with Kai, and my supply started going down.)  Here are some things I read/heard other women say and how I felt about it:

• "I love the bonding time." - Breastfeeding was the worst bonding time, as I was at my worst.
• "It's intimate and rewarding." - I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn't exclusively breastfeed.  It was such a huge guilt trap.
• "My supply is tanking - I can only pump 8oz!" - I want to reach in and throttle you!  Or take your boobs!  (I only ever pumped 1-1.5oz at a time.  Ever.)
• "Anyone can breastfeed!" - NOT TRUE.  I pumped, pumped, pumped, took Fenugreek until my dirty laundry all smelled like maple syrup.  I did not try Reglan, because I was afraid of post partum depression.  But it is not true that everyone can breastfeed.  Certainly, breast milk is the most beneficial to our babies, but sometimes, it is not what is best for the mother and the family as a whole.
• "Don't nurse from one breast for over 30 minutes." - Really?  Cuz, I nurse less than 5 minutes and there's nothing left.
• "My toddler is 3 and still breastfeeding.  I'm waiting till he weans on his own.  It is unnatural to force him to wean." - Hmm.  I have mixed feelings about this one - obviously, everyone makes their own decisions.  But I see some kids who nurse until they are 5-6 in some cases...  I don't see why weaning nursing is unnatural.  Most of us try to wean babies off pacifiers, stop them when they suck on their thumbs, and toilet train them, instead of saying "They'll wean/potty when they're ready." and not do anything about it.  To me it's the same with nursing - kids may take much much longer if left to their own timing... And I wonder how much of it is for the kids & for the mom.  Not that it is in every case, but I can see how nursing longer makes moms feel needed.  Because the children depend on them more for comfort & security.  There is a difference between being there for the kids and needing their dependence for our own insecurity.

It was SUCH a relief when I finally had to switch Alaise over to formula.  My supply was so low that there wasn't even a point in pumping anymore.  For a while, I would pump during the day and give her what I had mixed in with her night bottle.  But by the time she was about six months old, she was on formula full time.  And I must admit, I was a much happier mom.  Aside from the guilt of "I'm feeding my kid formula," most of my frustrations, stress, and burden had gone away.  (Although, the guilt is no small matter.)  Oh, and it's freakin' expensive.

I was really looking forward to seeing if my milk would come in and my supply would be good enough to nurse our second, as I expected the delivery to go smoothly.  No dice - same thing happened, and I lost even more blood this time around.  I was discouraged, and this time, I was determined not to be stressed.  So I just fed Kai formula.  From a regular bottle & nipple.  I didn't mess with tubes or fingers.  I just used bottles.  AND IT WAS SO NICE.  I didn't care about nipple confusion or milk supply.  I did what was easy.  And feedings were so much more enjoyable, and as a result, I was happier & did see them as bonding time.  I nursed & pumped as well, (although there wasn't anything to pump, really) but I took it easy.

Milk did come in eventually.  (It took longer than normal, I think.)  When it did, I again, took it easy, and eventually weaned off formula.  I've been exclusively breastfeeding him for around 6 weeks now, although I nurse from both breasts every time, and it seems barely enough.  But we're okay for now.  I started taking Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle together, but I'm not sure if it's doing anything.  Oh well.  I'll just do my best and do what I can.

Some awesome "ups" to breastfeeding:

• Feeding at night is fantastic!  I can just nurse him next to his crib, put him back down when we're done, and go back to bed.  No need to mess with going to the kitchen & making up formula.
• No washing bottles!  Alaise is on sippy cup for her milk, so I don't have to wash any bottles.  YESSS.  I hate washing bottles.
• Road trips are much easier.  I just nurse in the car while we stop for gas/restroom.  No need to pack formula, bottles, clean water, etc., and then deal with dirty bottles.
• As much as I don't want to, (because I don't think it's a good indicator) I feel like a better mom.  I feel good about being able to provide for him.
• It's definitely cheaper.  Definitely.

Oddly enough, I still don't enjoy breastfeeding.  It's still stressful, as I always feel like there's not quite enough, and I don't have any extra frozen.  But it's better, much better than the first time around.  I hope I can continue on.  However, if the time comes when it isn't enough and I've done what I can, I think I will hesitate a lot less before supplementing with formula.  And feel good about it.

shards of my heart

Kris and I talk about a lot of things.  I can proudly say we are very transparent in our relationship, and we talk about everything, from past relationships to naughty dreams. :)  He always makes me feel like I can talk to him about whatever I want and need without being afraid of what may happen, or what he may think/say.  It's always been that way, from day 1 with him...  And I love him dearly for it.

But one thing that is really hard to talk about for both of us, is what happened to me.  Not to be overly dramatic, but ever since the birth, it's been so easy for me to dwell on "what if"s.  What if I had died?  Then what would have happened?  It's hard to talk about it, maybe because of how close we really did come to that possibility.  I hate to seem like I'm dwelling on it - but I can't really help it (not yet, anyway)...  A ton of the emotions & thoughts these days are tied to it.  (I can't believe it's only been two months.)

A thought that broke my heart into a million pieces is the fact that if I had died, I was going to leave Alaise.  My little girl who is only a year old.  My little girl whom I love so dearly.  My little girl whose needs I've attended to since the moment she was born.  What is worse, is to think that this little person whom I loved so much every second of her life would not remember me.  In my selfishness, (and unnecessary thoughts) it made me so sad that my baby would not remember the person who loved her most.  (well, aside from her daddy, of course...)  That all the love I had for her wouldn't really exist in her memories.

One of Kris' friends, L, got married several years ago, to a really nice guy who had a little boy.  His wife died of cancer, so I was really glad to hear that he had found L.  I don't know them well, and most of what I hear is from other people (mostly Kris' mom) and Facebook, but one thing I see is that she really accepted him and loves him as her child.  He is 9 years old, so chances are, he really loves L as his mom, as it should be.  But it is also sad to me to think that he most likely doesn't have many memories of his birth mom, who probably loved him to bits.

It's life, I know.  Humans grow and it's natural for all of us not to remember our days as infants.  And of course, if I really had died, I wouldn't care that Alaise wouldn't remember me, cuz, well, I would be dead.  But it's still a heartbreaking thought - that the greatest love I had for someone wouldn't be remembered.

and then there were four...

My brother left today for school once again.  This means that for the first time since Kai was born, we are alone, just the four of us.  The house seems even emptier than before, but I'm really really glad that Seung Ri could be here for a while after my parents left to soften the blow.  I love having him here - it gives me security, just having family around.  And with all the help he's been around the house, with the babies & chores, he's been invaluable.  And we get to game together.  :)  (Thanks, bro!) 

Anyway.  So now, it's just us.  We all went to the mall today and as we were walking in the parking lot, Kris mused, "How did this happen?"  It's bizarre to think that our family has grown to four people.  Things are crazy around the house, especially when both kiddos start crying at the same time - but it's amazing to know that I have a family of my own.  A family that will be with me, family that I (Lord willing) don't have to say goodbye to for a long time.  Kids who will call me mom.  We are Vanderwater, party of four.

normal!

Apparently my blood-stuff levels are all back to normal.  My OB thinks that's pretty shocking, I think she expected me to take longer to "heal".   Frankly, so did I...  I thought maybe my RBC count would be lower than normal, and I'd have to take more iron.  But maybe not.

I will be making an appointment with the hematologist soon.  Maybe he'll have some answers to my abnormalities.  Dr. Eisenhauer (the aforementioned OB) told me last Friday, on my last post partum checkup, that she hasn't really even heard of what I went through the first time, let alone see/experience it twice.  Apparently post partum hemorrhage, which I thought was what I went through, generally happens right after you deliver the baby.  In my case, both times, I delivered, was fine, and 2-3 hours later, bleed out uncontrollably.  Her best guess is that the problem is with some kind of later-working clot factors.

She also offered grief counseling...  She thought she should have mentioned it earlier, but we just seemed "strong and put-together", that she didn't think of it sooner.  I don't feel strong and put-together sometimes...  And Kris and I still get pretty emotional about it.  Dr. E said that it was a very traumatic experience for her as well, and that it would be more so for me.  I don't know...  When do you know you need grief counseling?  We've definitely grieved, especially over the fact that we most likely won't have any more babies.  We've cried over what happened & what may have happened.  Maybe the fact that I'm not sure about it means I need counseling?  I don't know.

Anyway.  The blood test results at least make me feel like a normal person once again.

Kai baby

It seems like I haven't blogged once about our little boy, Kai.  I feel terrible about being a mom second time around - things are not less special, per se, but less note-worthy, as I've seen it/done it before.  Besides, with a toddler walking around, doing new and cute things all day long, it's hard to mention the little one who sleeps and eats most of the day. :)

But he's been a pretty good baby so far.  He definitely does seem to have a different personality than Alaise.  At first, I was concerned, because the nurses and the pediatrician at the hospital told us that he had a temper and was very fussy.  They said he may be lactose intolerant, and gave him soy formula while we were there.  So we came home, and for a couple of days, practically all he did was sleep.  (What do you mean, he's fussy?)  Then the fussiness came.  I really think something was bothering him, maybe it was the formula, maybe it was something else.  But even after he ate, he was fussy, and he never seemed happy.

About a week afterward, though, he settled down.  Whatever was bothering him seemed to have disappeared, or at least lessened.   He was a lot less alert than Alaise was at that age - Alaise had her eyes wide open from the moment she was born, and she was very awake and alert even as a newborn.  He kept his eyes closed a lot, and slept a lot more.  He seems to be quieter and less social...  But also has a sharper temper, maybe.  When Alaise was hungry, especially in the middle of the night, she would whine and fuss for a while before building up to a cry...  Kai stirs, waking up, and fusses for about (literally) two seconds before he is all out bawling.  I have to react faster, in order to keep the rest of the house sleeping. :)

He seems to like baths, just like his sister did.  He's gotten SO cute these days, as his features are getting more defined, his eyes bigger, and his skin is clearing up a bit.  He has a ton of hair, and I love to spike it up after washing his hair, because it dries that way.  (Yes, I actually have to wash his hair.  With lots of soap.)  He's a big baby, but as I noted just yesterday, he's not a fat baby.  He can already manage to wear some 6-9 month clothing, but he's not really fat, as I've seen some babies.  He doesn't have fat rolls anywhere, really, besides his chubby cheeks and chin.  He's just... big.  He's also had pretty good neck control from the day he was born.

He naps pretty well, although he fusses some when he's tired.  But he falls asleep in his crib with the paci well, and he seems to like the Boppy swing, that Alaise didn't really get to use much.  (She uses it plenty now - I'm afraid it will break soon, as she loves to plop down in it.  I don't think it's meant for a 21 lb toddler.)  He is adamant about when he wants the paci and when he doesn't - when he doesn't, he will gag on it, and get very angry!  I don't remember Alaise being that way with the paci.  He nurses well, and breastfeeding has been SO much better than last time, although I think my milk supply just isn't enough.  <sigh>

I can usually manage to nap them at the same time in the morning & afternoon, which gives all of us an hour to an hour and a half of quiet time around the house.  (These times are TREASURED, I tell you!)  And I start their bath/bedtime routine around 7:30-8:00, and can usually have them both sleeping by 8:30-9:00.  Not bad, huh?

Anyway.  I've been cherishing his baby-ness, as I think he'll be the last baby of mine that I get to hold.  He's started to smile, which is adorable...  I find myself cooing at him and looking into his eyes.  I love to kiss and rub his wonderfully yummy cheeks, and love to run my fingers through his hair.  I can't wait to see him grow up!

bye bye bottle

So we started weaning Alaise off of her bottles today.  Pediatrician told me last Friday (along with 4 shots and a finger prick...  "Boo", in Kris' words) that I need to start doing that, since they get very resistant to weaning after 15 months.  I haven't been too worried about the bottles & pacis till now, as she drinks her water from a straw sippy cups already, and she only uses her paci in her crib when she sleeps.  She's been taking her whole milk in her bottles still.

I started giving her her milk in her straw cup today...  She makes weird face at it once she tastes it - like "Mm, what happened?  This isn't water..."  And she didn't drink as much milk as she would normally.  Tonight she was very fussy going down, which is very unusual, and I wondered if it's because she didn't get her bottle.

I think I am more sad about this weaning.  I feel like this is the last of her babyhood...  Like once she doesn't take her bottles anymore, she really isn't my little baby anymore.  She'll officially be a toddler.  It's really really sad.  I didn't feel this way when I quit breastfeeding, maybe because I hated breastfeeding so much.  But the bottles...  They allow me to cuddle with my girl, (who never ever wants to cuddle) even just for a little, while she contently sucks on the them.  They allow her to be my baby.  Sippy cups just aren't the same.

But I guess motherhood is about letting go sometimes.  It's hard, but I've gotta learn it somehow...

hubby

Experiencing what I've experienced in the last couple of months, I feel like I need to give my husband some spotlight.  He deserves a little (actually, a big) pat on his back...

Once some years ago, I had to watch my dad almost die.  It was when we were visiting Indonesia, and the last night we were there, he had a severe asthma attack, went to the hospital, and wasn't breathing, etc...  I thought I'd have to stay for the funeral.  Having watched something like that, I can imagine, to a certain extent, how Kris must have felt, being by my side while I was bleeding out.

The first time around, I was out on anesthesia for several hours, so I wasn't aware of what was happening.  (Ketamine...  I hate you.)  But my husband, he had to hold our brand new baby, hoping  everything was okay.  He had to wait over two hours, when he was told that the procedure was going to be 15-20 minutes.  He had to hold my hand while I was blubbering Lord knows what in my anesthesia.  When I was coming around, the first thing I remember is his voice.  He was holding my hand, praying.  I thought he was crying.  I remember desperately wanting to say something to let him know I was here.

This time around, it's a different story.  I was awake for most of it...  And since I didn't go into surgery, Kris was by my side the whole time, experiencing the whole ordeal with me.  He was calm, (although I'm sure he wasn't) and didn't panic.  When I thought I might die, he didn't freak out.  He was such a huge huge strength to me, and his presence and reassurances were so very...  well, reassuring.  (duh.)  He took care of me, and my family, and my babies while I couldn't.  When I needed to rehash the experience to have some closure, he didn't back away.  He was open to talking, and listening.  He's always been such a good listener.  He shed tears with me.  He was vulnerable.  We hurt together, and we healed together.

When we came home, we both suffered through some amount of emotional healing.  We were both very stressed.  I have never seen my husband so short tempered as those days.  He's usually very patient, but all the stress I think was affecting him.  But even during then, he was willing to talk, and was honest about everything that was going on.  And he took care of me still, fetching me medicine, water, or anything I needed.  He kept on telling me that he wanted me to heal.

He's been SO patient with me during my healing process.  I had to heal not only physically, but also emotionally/mentally.  He's been so supportive, and I know I can always depend on him.

All that to say...  I married my bestest friend.  I knew he was going to be a great husband, and a wonderful father to my children.  Going through these kinds of experiences together has brought us closer than ever, and he has been so steadfast throughout it all.  He deserves so much credit in where our marriage is today.  He's not a perfect human being for sure.  But he is perfect FOR ME.  God truly knew what he was doing when he paired us together.

More often than not, before we fall asleep, this is how it goes:

Kris:  Wake me up if you need anything.  ANYTHING.
Ju:  I will.
Kris:  Promise?
Ju:  Promise.

It's been that way from the very beginning.  And the thing is?  I know he means it every time.

I love you babe.  You're my soul mate.  Truly.  And thanks for being there for me always.  And sorry for making you go through tough times.  You are my hero.

6 weeks

Those of you who have given birth probably know what 6 weeks signify.  The long period of recovering, the light at the end of the tunnel.  Yep.  Tomorrow's my light at the end of the tunnel.

Honestly, it's been sort of hard waiting out full 6 weeks.  Kris and I have been so close emotionally, and the desire to be just as close physically has been overwhelming at times.  But we're finally here, and since he's leaving for almost a week tomorrow on a business trip...  I think 5 weeks 6 days is plenty. :)